Brat
by xotakux2002x
Summary: In the wake of a mission gone wrong, Deidara is left with a chibi nightmare for a partner.  Light sasodei at the end, mostly shenanigans and tomfoolery.
1. Prologue

characters throughout this whole story (c) masashi kishimoto

* * *

><p>Deidara was really, really beginning to hate going on missions with Sasori.<p>

It wasn't because he disliked his partner, Sasori. Truth be told, the elder man was an extremely capable and intelligent ninja, with skills and experience that were invaluable in the Akatsuki line of work. The puppet master's stealthy, short-range attacks were an excellent contrast to the explosive, long-range bombs that Deidara was fond of using. Furthermore, the redhead was one of few people that could hold the blond's interest in conversation. Granted, their chats tended to escalate into full-blown fights that left both artists rather snappish, but most of the talking was nice.

Yes, Deidara rather liked Sasori as a whole. There was just one problem with his near perfect partner-

"Brat, if you're finished dragging your feet, I'd like to return home sometime between now and Armageddon."

Sasori, you see, could be (and frequently was) an absolute jackass to the bomber.

Deidara 'humph'ed and made his way across the battlefield towards his partner. The two of them had been caught attempting to cross the border between Fire Country and the next land over, and to no one's surprise a full-out fight had broken out soon afterwards. Deidara and Sasori had separated themselves once the onslaught began, knowing by now to stay out of the other's way when a fight occurred. Enough burns and cuts over the years tend to drill that knowledge into one's head.

"Coming, Sasori danna," he called out. He had to stifle a growl of frustration as Sasori rolled his eyes, acting for all the world like Deidara was a child hindering his work. The bomber was more than a little annoyed at his partner for wanting to hurry back home. Oh yes, he was well aware that the puppeteer hated to wait for anyone or keep anyone else waiting, but that was no excuse for sloppy work. The blond had merely been checking the corpses for any signs of booby-traps that may have been set up during the brawl. It was unlikely, but in their line of work, with death never more than a hair's breath away and hospitalization completely out of the question, one couldn't be too careful.

Sasori should have taken a leaf out of the ex-Iwa ninja's book. Perhaps if he had, he would have noticed the explosive tag hidden under the corpse of his victim, which exploded in a raging inferno after the redhead's foot accidently brushed against the body.

Deidara instinctively collapsed to the ground and covered his head, having been working with explosives for so long that the duck and cover maneuver was entirely automatic. Shortly after the blast, Deidara heard the distinct sound of something wooden crashing into the ground and smashing.

His sky-blue eyes widened. There was no way Sasori could have escaped that size of a blast at such close range without sustaining significant damage.

The bomber's fears were confirmed moments later when he forced himself up onto his hands and knees and saw his partner's body lying several yards away from him, his back to Deidara. Scrambling onto his feet and all but running to the fallen man, Deidara quickly began assessing the damage. Both legs had been blown clean off, probably reduced to mere particles floating in the air now. One arm had been lopped off just below the elbow, the other still hidden from sight. None of this truly concerned Deidara though. He knew Sasori's body was just a wooden shell, easily repaired or replaced should the need ever arise. At the moment, Sasori had several fully functioning bodies back at the Akatsuki base, waiting for their master's return. Any physical damage sustained to this shell was neither lasting nor life-threatening.

What set Deidara's heart racing was the uncertainty of what had happened to his danna's heart container. He was aware that the Akatsuki cloaks did afford the wearer a bit of protection (nothing as strong as Kevlar, albeit quite a bit more than the average cotton t-shirt), but nothing short of a tank could completely absorb that kind of explosion at such a short range. _"Please be ok, please be ok,"_Deidara silently prayed as he feet scrambled across the gravel.

Shaking, the blond halted and circled around to the other side of Sasori, too afraid of doing more damage to turn the Akasuna onto his back and assess the damage that way.

His skin paled to a deathly white as he saw the elder man lying there unconscious, his single arm clutched protectively over the heart container. So, at least the redhead hadn't been caught totally unawares…

Unfortunately, one wooden arm hardly afforded any more protection than the cloak, and Deidara could clearly see a stream of crimson liquid dripping down Sasori's chest and leeching into the ground below. "Oh god Sasori danna, don't die, un!" Deidara had already yanked a roll of bandages out of his bag, determined to at least slow the flow of blood if not completely stop it. The blond always carried basic medical supplies with him, in the rare event that one of them sustained an injury in the line of duty and couldn't wait to patch themselves up back at headquarters. With a sick, tightening feeling in his chest, Deidara realized that this was the first time he'd ever had to use the medical supplies on his partner, and it may not even make a difference.

Taping down gauze over the wound, Deidara released the pressure his hands had created long enough for him to make a clay bird. It would be more conspicuous than Deidara would have liked, and there was a high chance more ninjas would be looking for him after this fight, but it was this or a two day walk back home.

With a sigh of resignation, Deidara hefted his partner onto the bird and took off, one hand firmly applying pressure to Sasori's chest as the other controlled the eagle. "Please Sasori danna, hold on."

-mm-

Deidara knew that ninjas were supposed to hide and repress their emotions until the damnable things were all but forgotten, buried under a mountain of indifference and control. That was what he'd been taught in the academy, that was the code he lived by during his years as a rogue ninja, and that was a point that Sasori was particularly fond of drilling into his skull whenever the blond expressed anger or distress during their assignments.

So why was it, after nineteen years of burying his emotions, Deidara was unable to stop his stomach from doing back flips as he paced his and Sasori's shared room. As soon as he'd arrived at the base, Sasori had been turned over to Konan and Pein, in hopes that the duo could find some way to salvage the puppet master's heart, even if the body and container were beyond repair. That had been nearly six hours ago, and Deidara had still not heard any report on Sasori's progress. He'd almost bolted from the room into the hallway at several points in time, but always checked himself at the last minute. Of all the things the bomber needed right now, hearing the others mock him for acting like a nervous wife in a hospital waiting room was not on the list.

His tension dissipated somewhat when a knock was heard at his door, followed by Konan entering his room and shutting the door. "How is he, un?" Deidara blurted out before he could stop himself.

"He's alive and stable," Konan answered, making the blond sigh in relief.

His joy was short-lived, however, after noticing the way the woman was glancing off to the side and shifting slightly, as though nervous to divulge any more information to the blonde. "What's wrong?"

Konan looked to Deidara, back to the ground, bit her lip, and finally looked at the bomber again. "His body was badly damaged, and there was no way the heart could have supported itself in another puppet. Pein attempted to reverse the jutsu Sasori had used to make himself into a puppet, so that the heart could be grafted onto another body…unfortunately, we didn't have enough supplies…look, it'll be easier once you come and see it for yourself." Confused and overwhelmed by a fresh wave of anxiety, Deidara followed the blue-haired female out of the room and down the hall.

Their trek was both short and silent, as Konan was unwilling to elaborate on the fate of Sasori and Deidara was too nervous to make small talk. Once they arrived at Pein's office, Konan grabbed the doorknob and (to Deidara's surprise), nervously looked around before grabbing the blond by the wrist and shoving him into the chamber, following quickly after him and slamming the door shut once both were inside.

Pein was reclining in the chair beside his desk, looking directly at the duo as though he'd been expecting them for quite some time. Deidara's attention, however, was focused on the leader's desk.

There, sitting in the midst of countless manila envelopes and numerous scrolls, was a small child with vibrant red hair and chocolate-brown eyes. He was dressed in an oversized t-shirt, was coloring on the outside of one of the folders using a nearby ink pen, and couldn't have been a day over five.

The child finally seemed to notice that he had company other than the Akatsuki leader, and soon focused his eyes on Deidara, who was gaping at him in disbelief. Chocolate eyes narrowed. "Hey stupid. You should close your mouth, or flies will get in."


	2. Chapter 1

"Let me get this straight, un. Sasori's heart couldn't support a puppet body, so you had to put him back into a human's."

"Correct."

"Only you miscalculated the amount of material, so he ended up looking like a kindergartener."

"Also correct."

"And he's stuck this way for Kami knows how long, because it'll be months before you can gather the appropriate research to perform a jutsu to put him back into an adult body, un."

"Exactly. You appear to have an excellent grasp of the situation, so everything should be fine-"

"Everything is not fine, un!" Deidara screamed at Pein. The leader was briefing Deidara about the current Sasori problem, while Konan and Sasori played together on the other side of the room. Deidara was torn between disbelief that his leader could allow a technique meant to save Sasori's life to go so horribly wrong, and outrage that his partner was going to be stuck in a child's body for an extensive amount of time.

Pein took a deep breath before going on. One of them had to remain calm in this situation, and it would be best if that person were the authority figure. "Deidara-"

"And another thing!" the bomber snapped before Pein could go on. Turning slightly, the bomber thrust out his arm and pointed an accusing finger towards Sasori, glaring at his leader all the while. "Why the hell is Sasori danna doodling in a coloring book, un?"

"Because he's a child, Deidara."

The artist blinked in confusion. Slowly, he shifted his body back to completely face the leader, and lowered his voice to a soft whisper as he leaned in closer to Pein. "But…wouldn't the jutsu just put him in a kid's body, un?"

For the first time in their argument, Pein allowed a hint of annoyance to surface. "Oh yes Deidara, I'm so incompetent that I thought it would be a good idea to leave the mind of a 35-year-old serial killer intact when all he possesses is the body of an academy brat."

"Well excuse me, un!" Deidara snapped. The bomber chanced a quick look to Sasori again, before glancing back to his leader with a worried expression on his face. "So, are all his memories gone then?"

"No, we've only temporarily locked away the ones of him being an adult. I believe he's currently under the impression that his parents have sent him away while out on a mission, and he's staying here until they return to pick him up."

Now Deidara was intrigued. By the time he'd been partnered up with Sasori, the redhead was already a reclusive puppet master with little time or interest in others. The duo got along about as well as could be expected, and the redhead was willing to converse the blond, but there was always a certain amount of difference placed between the two to prevent any real friendship from developing. As Sasori had once told him, after the blond asked why he was so distant, "You have my trust on the battlefield and my tolerance off it; what more do you want, brat?"

But the Sasori before him had none of the mental or emotional blocks against his partner. It was extremely likely that Deidara would be able to gain some insight into his danna's personality for the first time. _"I wonder what he's really like,"_ the bomber mused to himself.

While Deidara had been contemplating the new situation, Konan had risen to her feet and was now walking across the office to Pein and Deidara, Sasori's little hand clutched gently within her own. "Now, we're going to start the research to fix things immediately," Pein stated. "But, in the meantime, you'll be expected to watch over Sasori." Deidara absently nodded his head, focused still on the red-haired child. Suddenly his leader's words sank in, and in an instant the blond had rounded on the man to gape in disbelief at the ginger. "Problem?" Pein inquired.

"YES! What the hell am I supposed to do about missions with a little brat following me around, un?"

"Keep a close eye on him."

"The hell I will! It's hard enough to do missions when I'm completely on my own, but with a kid it's going to be impossible!"

As Deidara and Pein continued their bickering, Deidara trying to emphasize how much of a hindrance the redhead would be, and Pein telling the bomber exactly where he could go, in rather colorful words one might add, Sasori had been getting increasingly annoyed. Konan had told him that this blond person would be taking care of him, but it was sounding like the man wanted out of his job.

Well too bad. Sasori needed someone to take care of him, and the blue-haired woman was too motherly for his liking. The pierced man behind the table looked scary, so that only left Deidara. Time to work his magic.

Deidara was interrupted in mid-rant by a sharp tug on his sleeve. Looking down, the man saw that Sasori was the culprit behind his distraction, sleeve still held tightly in a child-sized fist. "What is it, un?"

"I'm hungry," he murmured, eyes wide and innocent.

Deidara's eyes narrowed in mild agitation. Babysitting his partner was definitely not on the agenda. "Well find someone else to make you food, un. The grown-ups are talking here."

Now it was Sasori's turn to narrow his eyes. He'd been hoping his cuteness would win over the blond (it tended to work so well with the villagers back home), but it appeared more drastic measures needed to be taken. An idea suddenly popped into the boy's head, but was quickly followed by nervousness. He wasn't used to using that technique, and there was a good chance things could go horribly wrong…

Deidara had finally had enough and yanked his sleeve free. "Go play in the road or something, un."

On second thought, why not take a chance?

Deidara suddenly felt his head being jerked down to the ground, as though an invisible rope tied to his forehead had just been yanked by some unseen force. Before the blond had time to gather his wits, a pale hand that was quickly becoming the bane of Deidara's existence grabbed hold of his bangs and pulled harshly on the golden locks. "OW!"

"I said I'm hungry, stupid," Sasori growled out before dragging the blond out of the room by his hair, with Deidara stumbling along behind him, doubled over to keep the pressure off his scalp and swearing all the way.

Konan and Pein watched the entire display in silence, neither one daring to speak until the blond was safely out of hearing range. "Pein?"

"Yes?"

"Why didn't you warn Deidara that Sasori could use chakra strings?"

"Because his suffering amuses me."

-mm-

After wrenching his hair free and taking the Akasuna by the hand, Deidara led the two of them into the kitchen, albeit rather reluctantly. He would indulge the little hellion and make him food, but after this, the two of them were going to have a long talk about the household rules. Namely, if the brat kept messing with him, he wasn't going to last much longer.

With a sigh of resignation to his fate, the bomber led Sasori over to the counter and allowed the child to seat himself. "All right, what do you want, un?"

"Peanut butter and jelly." Deidara nodded in assent and crossed the room to the refrigerator. Well at least the child would be easy to cook for.

In only a few minutes the blond had gathered up all the necessary supplies and was hard at work to make his young charge a sandwich. Of course, he should have known that with Sasori involved, nothing less than perfect would work. "Eww!"

Deidara's eyes darted up to Sasori, wondering what he'd seen that had surprised him so. If Zetsu's meals were running around again…well, 'eww' wasn't the only description for the sight. Something along the lines of, 'oh dear Kami, why?' was equally acceptable. "What is it, un?"

"You scraped the peanut butter from the top of the jar!"

The bomber blinked once, twice, three times, his brain desperately trying to make sense of what he'd just heard. "What, un?"

"You scraped the peanut butter out of the top part," Sasori repeated in a patronizing tone. "The peanut butter's going to be all dried out and gross, stupid."

Deidara's eye twitched. "My name isn't stupid, un. It's Deidara. And there's nothing wrong with peanut butter-"

"I'm not eating it. Make it again."

Deidara fought back the urge to cuss out the redhead (he was just a child, after all. They were all finicky eaters), and set aside the bread to eat later. Deciding to take a safer route, he attempted to spread the jelly first. "Eww!"

Another sigh. "What now? I scraped from the bottom-"

"You put the jelly lump in the middle of the bread. Now that part's going to be all soppy and icky, and the edges all dry."

Another twitch. "Well then," he hissed out, planting a fake smile on his face, "how should I make it, un?"

"Start spreading in the upper left corner and work your way across the bread so everything gets evenly coated. Everyone knows that, stupid."

And so the sandwich making continued like this for some time, with Deidara attempting to construct a sandwich to Sasori's satisfaction and Sasori constantly berating the blond for his lack of PB&J skills. "There," Deidara spat out at long last. "Peanut butter and jelly from the bottom of the jar, spread diagonally from the left, bread pieces smushed together to be exactly symmetric, no crumbs, crust cut off, divided into two triangles of equal size and served with a glass of milk exactly two thirds of the way full. So help me Sasori, if that's not good enough, you're going hungry, un."

And then, Sasori completely blew Deidara's mind and flashed the blond an unbelievable sweet smile. "Thank you," he stated before biting into the sandwich. He chewed thoughtfully, swallowed, and then hopped down from his stool to exit the kitchen.

Deidara's mind was still in shock from seeing the redhead smile, so it took him a few moments to register exactly what was happening. "What the-you-wait, where are you going?"

"I'm not hungry anymore," Sasori answered. Seeming to think this was a satisfactory explanation, the child wandered off down the hall, presumably to find somewhere to play.

Deidara, on the other hand, was left sputtering in disbelief as he looked from the barely-touched food to the doorway before shrieking in frustration. This was going to be a long couple of months.


	3. Chapter 2

"Deidara?"

"Mmm…"

"Deidara?"

The blond groaned as he felt a tug on his sleeve. There was only one person who would dare to wake him up so early, and he was in no mood for this.

Groggily blinking his only visible eye open, Deidara glared at a certain redhead who'd jarred him from his sleep. "Sasori, what do you want at-" here he glanced at the clock- "seven in the morning, un?"

Sasori blinked up at Deidara, chocolate eyes the picture of naivety. He was dressed only in an oversized t-shirt that hung down to his knees, red locks messy as though he'd just rolled out of bed. Deidara knew that he'd need to get Sasori some better fitting clothes, but that was going to be Konan's job. He refused to walk into a store at the nearby town and buy children's clothing. The Akatsuki members already drew enough attention when they went shopping as it stood, and the last thing Deidara wanted was to tack on the stigma of pedophile to the long list of names the locals called him.

His attention was drawn back to Sasori at the sound of a small whimper. The Akasuna looked the part of a little angel, and the soft, quiet voice he now possessed only added to the image. "I'm hungry. Please make me breakfast?"

Deidara sighed and rolled away from the little kid. "Sasori, it's early. I will make you something in another hour, un. Go back to sleep."

Sasori frowned at the bomber's back. His grandma had taught him that manners usually got you what you wanted, and his adorable demeanor coupled with his natural charm was more than enough to win over any common person. But this blond-! It was infuriating. Deidara seemed to be completely immune to whatever sweetness the redhead sent his way, be it manners or sheer cuteness.

Well fine. If sweetness wouldn't work, he'd have to be a little sour.

Deidara let out a loud cry as he felt a hand jerk his head back by his hair, wincing as the delicate follicles were ripped from his scalp. "If you don't feed my right now, stupid, I'll make you regret it."

The bomber wondered briefly what Pein would do to him if the child were to meet a tragic "accident" involving a faulty window pane on the third floor of their mountainside base. "And how exactly are you going to make me regret it, un?"

The redhead's eyes became wide and round, the picture of a frightened child. "I'll go to Konan and tell her how you were being mean, and wouldn't feed me, and, and…" by now tears were dotting the corner of Sasori's eyes, and he looked like someone who's just had their puppy run over by a car.

"All right, I'll make you some breakfast!" The tears immediately disappeared, replaced by a victorious grin as Sasori yanked back the bed sheets and pulled on Deidara's hand.

Grumbling about demon children and their powers of manipulation, the blond finally managed to haul himself out of bed and throw on a pair of black capris, before walking out of their room towards the kitchen with Sasori following close on his heels.

Deidara was in no mood to deal with the finicky-ness of Sasori's eating habits, and settled for pouring the redhead a bowl of sugary cereal. There was no point in worrying about the future health consequences, as Sasori would no doubt put himself back into a puppet body as soon as he returned to an adult form, and besides, no little kid on Earth could resist the power of Colonel Crunchy's Cocoa Caramel Crisps, which he was sure was made primarily of cardboard and sugary crack. And people wondered what was wrong with young people today.

Deidara had barely set the bowl down in front of Sasori before the little redhead had snatched up the cereal bowl and dashed out of the room, leaving a very confused blond behind him. "Sasori, get back here! Konan will kill you if you spill any of that in the living room!" Deidara rushed after the child, extremely fearful for both their lives. Konan disliked being girly in almost every sense, but living in a messy house was just something the woman could not endure. She worked day and night to keep their current base spotless, and heaven help anyone who was careless enough to spill a single crumb anywhere outside the kitchen. Hidan still refused to eat anything with butter, so frightened of the origami wielder's wrath was he.

Deidara's concerns appeared to have been in vain though. By the time he caught up with Sasori, the redhead was sitting on the ground not three feet from the TV, eyes glued to the screen as the opening theme song for some cartoon began to play. He'd not spilt a single drop of milk or a flake of cereal.

Deidara groaned. That's right, it was Saturday morning. Meaning he now had to endure a good three hours on mind-numbing "entertainment" since Sasori was his responsibility. On the bright side, the cartoons were more than enough to keep his charge completely and totally distracted, so the bomber was granted a brief reprieve from being at the redhead's beck and call.

Despite his overwhelming annoyance with the current situation, Deidara couldn't help but smirk at the way Sasori's hand mechanically scooped up a bite of cereal, brought it to his mouth, fed the Akasuna, and then lowered itself to get another scoop, all while Sasori's eyes remained glued to the TV. It was adorable, really. Besides, he couldn't really begrudge the little terror a few hours of cartoons. Not after what he'd made Sasori endure…

-mm-

_"Mary! Please, Mary, I swear I thought she was you!"_

_"Don't listen to him, un."_

_"Liar! I saw the way you looked at her! You knew the whole time that she was my long-lost twin, Amelia, didn't you? And you would have gone through with the wedding, too, if Christina hadn't warned me about your plans to weasel the inheritance out of me after she had that dream!"_

_"Thank Kami for psychic visions, un."_

_"Brat, how much longer are you going to sit there and let your already miniscule brain degenerate to mush?"_

_"Until I find out whether Mary is going to take back Charles for the third time, un," the blond quickly answered before refocusing his attention on the TV._

_Sasori sighed and rubbed his temples in an agitated manner. The blond had been laid up in bed for three weeks following a rather disastrous mission, and much to the redhead's disdain, had discovered soap operas during his recovery period. Now the bomber was completely hooked on these melodramas, and Sasori had yet to find a way to coax Deidara away from the accursed box that had so enchanted his partner. "Brat, we're to leave for a mission in five minutes. You haven't even packed a bag, none of your supplies can even be remotely considered battle worthy, and to top it all off-"_

_"Shh!" Deidara hissed while waving his hand at Sasori, in a clear attempt to shut up the Akasuna. "Marcus is here! Oh, I bet he's going to tell Christina and Mary that Charles has actually been plotting with Carrie the whole time to save her father's business from going under after that investment scam!"_

_That was the final straw._

_Deidara yelped as Sasori's stomach cable shot through the TV, causing sparks to briefly fly through the cloud of smoke now surrounding the box, before it died for good. He blinked at the TV in disbelief for a few seconds, before turning his head to stare at a rather smug-looking Sasori. "The hell was that for, un?"_

_"You'll thank me for that later. Now, we're leaving in three minutes. I suggest you pack, unless you plan on facing our enemy in nothing but smiley-face boxers." Warning given, Sasori turned on his heel and exited the room, completely ignoring Deidara's sputters of outrage and promised death threats._

-mm-

_"I really do owe him a thank you for that,"_ the bomber mused to himself. However, given the current state of the Akasuna, Deidara couldn't help but wonder if Sasori's reaction was equivalent to the pot calling the kettle black. In any case, the blond decided that once this show was over, he was going to take the redhead outside for a bit of fresh air.

-mm-

After dragging the little hellion out of the base with Sasori sulking and being grouchy the whole way (apparently some things never change), Deidara eventually led the two to a clearing in the forest that was typically used for Akatsuki training. The bomber knew that the only Akatsuki members who would be out here right now were Zetsu, Pein, and Tobi, as everyone else had been sent out on missions. Training, however, wasn't the reason that Deidara had chosen to come to this part of the forest. The area was dotted with fallen trees and large boulders, perfect for practicing sneak attacks and hiding. Numerous other trees still stood proudly around the grassy patch used for hand-to-hand combat, and in the distance a stream could be heard. Surely a small child could find some way of entertaining themselves here, while Deidara practiced his art form in the crown of a tree, right?

"Sasori, I'm going to be training up there, un," Deidara explained while motioning to the foliage above them.

"What am I supposed to do?" the Akasuna demanded from his seat on the ground. He was still quite miffed that Deidara had hauled him away from the TV before Beyond the Stars could come on. The drama and romance part of it was kinda icky, but he really liked how funny it could be. Especially that one blue guy from planet Kiri. Dragging him away from such a joy? Sasori had to conclude that the blond didn't know good TV when he saw it.

"You could play in the stream-"

"Can't swim."

"You could play on the rocks-"

"Might fall."

"…You could pick flowers or something."

"I'm not a girl, stupid."

Deidara's eye twitched. "Look, I just need to train for an hour or so. You can find something to do until then." Deciding to leave before he got any more frustrated at the little redhead, Deidara hurried off to the top of a pine tree, determined to get a bit of work done.

Unfortunately for Deidara, Sasori did indeed find a way of keeping himself entertained. The Akasuna's main interest in life had always been playing with puppets, and as such, the most integral part of his training after making the actual puppets was practicing with chakra strings. As such, Sasori was attempting to manipulate the nearby flowers and pebbles with strings, reaching further and further out. At least until this got boring and he decided to start making pinecones fall on Deidara's head.

After the thirteenth time this happened, Deidara finally gave up trying to get any training done and leapt down the tree to Sasori. "Having fun, un?"

"Yes," Sasori replied, a smile decorating his childish face. To emphasize his delight, he flicked his fingers again, sending yet another pinecone down to attack the blond.

"Ok, that's it. We're going back home, you little brat," Deidara growled out. He scooped up Sasori with the intent of hauling the kid back to the Akatsuki base, where he could be dumped in front of the TV or left with Konan for a while.

However, the blond never even got to take one step in the direct of their home, because at that moment, Sasori began screaming bloody murder and kicking fiercely at Deidara. "Put me down, put me down!" he shrieked in an inhuman manner.

Startled more than anything else, Deidara was quick to set the redhead down on the ground. Once he realized he was back on terra firma, the child's screams turned to sobs, and the redhead was soon crying softly from his seat on the grass, tears and snot running down his face.

The bomber was torn. On one hand, seeing a child this distraught was extremely unsettling, even for his hardened criminal heart. On the other hand, any comfort he gave to the Akasuna now would be remembered once Sasori was returned to his adult form, and could come back to haunt him tenfold. "Sasori? What's wrong, un?"

"I h-hate heights," he cried out, sniffling loudly with each word.

This was a surprise. Sasori had always been adamant about not flying with the blond on their missions, but Deidara had chalked that up to his partner's lack of faith in the bomber, not some childhood phobia. It was a bit disconcerting, seeing his normally stoic partner reduced to a fearful juvenile like this. "Why, un?"

"I was p-playing with my friends, an' we c-climbed a tree, an' I fell, an' my arm broke," he sobbed out, swiping at his face with the fringe of his t-shirt.

Deidara felt something tighten in his chest at the words. He knew what it was like to have a childhood fear. When he was seven, he'd hidden in a closet during a game of hide-n-seek, only to have the lock jam from the outside, leaving him trapped in the small, dark room for hours on end. It had only been years later, when he'd needed to hide in Hiruko during a mission, that the bomber was able to get over his phobia, albeit with much coaxing and a little threatening from his partner. Sasori had been relatively patient when dealing with Deidara's fear, and refused to back down until the ex-Iwa nin had been cured of his fear. Perhaps the help was done out of empathy? If that was the case, then maybe Deidara could return the favor now.

Nervous for future repercussions but driven by the thought that he was only paying back his danna's kindness, Deidara gently dabbed at Sasori's tears with the sleeve of his Akatsuki robe, wrinkling his nose when the child blew his nose into the black fabric. "Sasori, there's nothing wrong with heights."

"Uh-huh."

"Uh-uh."

"Uh-huh!"

Deidara sighed. This was getting them nowhere. "Here, I'll show you." Slowly, the blond picked up Sasori and held him in his arms. The bomber wasn't surprised in the least when Sasori began crying and struggling all over again, but remained firm in his desire to rid the redhead of his fear. If the phobia could be overcome now, it could carry over into their future work and make their missions a hell of a lot easier. "Calm down, un. It's not that high up."

"Yes it is!"

"No, it's not. See, my feet are still touching the ground, un."

Sasori stopped crying long enough to look towards the ground, eyes blinking in amazement when he realized that the blond was correct, and he was only a few feet off the ground. "See?"

"You're freakishly tall, stupid," he grumbled, not wanting to look foolish in front of Deidara.

Deidara rolled his eyes and translated the Sasori-speak as, "You're right, and I'm sorry." Grunting, he lifted the child up to ride on his shoulders, only slightly surprised when the Akasuna began struggling again. "Relax, it's only a little higher-ow!"

"Let's go home, stupid," the Akasuna demanded, giving the blond's ponytail another yank.

"Fine, but you're getting down-owowowOWWWW!" Deidara yowled as he tried to return the child to the ground, only to have Sasori cling to his hair in a death grip. Finally giving up on setting down the redhead, Deidara began trekking back to the base with Sasori yanking on his hair whenever he wanted the blond to speed up. It appeared that the Akasuna was quickly getting over his fear of heights, as well as developing a new hobby of pulling out the blond's hair.

Deidara was beginning to despise the brat.


	4. Chapter 3

"Sasori, could you get me the eggs?"

Scuffling, followed by, "Here you go, Miss Konan."

"Oh! And could you get me the flour too?"

More scuffling. "Here it is, Miss Konan."

The blue-haired woman squealed and scooped up Sasori into her arms, cradling the pint-sized redhead to her chest. "You are just the sweetest thing in the world!"

"_Yeah, sweet. Like a feral kitten, un,_" Deidara thought to himself.

Having Sasori in his care meant that Deidara would have to take the brat with him everywhere he went. It would be mildly inconvenient, at best, but it should be manageable for the bomber. At least, that was the theory on paper. In practice, it was more like Sasori went anywhere and everywhere he pleased, with Deidara following him around like a helpless child. Sunrise to long after the sunset, Deidara was forced to tag along after the mini demon, barely squeezing in any time for training before Sasori was dragging him off to play, or to watch TV, or to keep the redhead entertained. And if Deidara decided to protest, well, the little monster wouldn't hesitate to remind him of the lethal uses of chakra strings. Deidara's entire noggin was covered in black and blue lumps thanks to the little terror.

And it didn't help in the least that the rest of the Akatsuki was convinced that chibi Sasori (as Deidara liked to call him) was absolutely adorable. In fact, because of the Akasuna's newfound cuteness, Konan's mothering side had come out full force, and she was delighting in the chance to have such a well-behaved "son." Meaning that while Konan played house and baked dozens of cookies with Sasori, Deidara had to sit patiently at the counter and watch this sickening display of sweetness unfold before his unwilling eyes. They didn't even let him lick the bowl. Meanies.

A chime indicated that the most recent batch of confections were finished and ready to be set out on the countertop to cool down. The bomber warily watched the Akatsuki's lone female set out the tray not three feet from him, before spinning back around to pop the next batch into the oven. Just as she'd been doing for the past four hours.

"_Oh well,_" Deidara thought as he reached for the steaming chocolate chip cookie. At least he had the comfort of-

WHAP

"YEOW!" Deidara hissed and cradled his arm to his chest, waving his hand back and forth rapidly in hopes of making the sharp pain consuming his knuckles dissipate. "The hell was that for, un?" he demanded in a manner most agitated.

Sasori narrowed his eyes and crossed his arms, one tiny fist still holding the wooden spoon that had recently been used to block the blond's cookie advances. "You can't eat cookies this close to lunch. It'll spoil your appetite, stupid."

"Bullshit!"

"Deidara!" Konan barked.

The blond whimpered and shrunk down in his seat as one hand carefully reached out to grab an anti-swear book titled: "Gosh Dang it! And other Socially Acceptable Alternatives to Expletives." It had originally been bought as a gift to Hidan to break him of his sailor language, and that endeavor went about as well as expected. Kakuzu spent the next three weeks complaining about the 12 dollar paperweight he'd been forced to buy, before Tobi pointed out one mealtime that it made an excellent napkin holder. Deidara thought how said it was that the poor book was hardly ever read and used only for holding up paper tissue for the ungrateful napkin users of the Akatsuki. Then he realized that he was pitying a self-help book and quickly snapped back to reality. "I-I mean, um…poppycock and balderdash?" he suggested after looking to page twenty-three.

"That'll do."

"And anyway, back to my point! You've been stuffing cookies into your little mouth ever since the first batch came out of the oven, un!"

"Well duh. I'm the chef. And the chef has to make sure his food is good enough for his friends to eat before he serves it, stupid. The easiest way to do that is to taste it. Everyone knows that."

"Ooooh, that's so sweet!" the origami user cooed as she swept up Sasori in her arms and squeezed him tightly. Deidara could only glare at the redhead, and then sputter muted curses when the Akasuna proceeded to _stick his tongue out_ at the blond. Oh yes, Sasori was going to pay in spades for this. But how?

His prayers for revenge were answered a moment later when Sasori bit into a cookie, and then flinched and muttered a soft, "Ow," while rubbing his cheek.

"Sasori, what's wrong?" Konan asked in a concerned tone.

"My tooth hurts," the redhead answered, still rubbing his cheek in a pained manner.

Konan tilted her head to the side, thinking to herself for some time before looking to her blond companion. "Deidara, what has Sasori been eating lately?"

"Normal stuff, I guess. Soup, PB&J, Colonel Crunchy's Cocoa Caramel Crisps-"

"WHAT?"

"Don't give me that look, un! He won't eat anything else in the mornings!"

"Deidara, have you seen what goes into that stuff?" Rather than wait for Deidara to answer, the blue-haired woman chose to believe that he had not and immediately snatched the offending cereal box from the other end of the counter and chucked it at his skull. Deidara was able to catch the box with faster than lightning reflexes; if nothing else, the past two weeks of chibi Sasori had sharpened Deidara's ability to shield himself from most head trauma. "Read the ingredients!"

Fearing for his life, the blond began skimming over the list. "Sucrose, fructose, dextrose, maltose, glucose, milk, whey, partially hydrogenated recycled corrugated fiberboard. So, un?"

"Deidara, that stuff is sugar and cardboard!"

"Yes, but it's recycled, un, and therefore good for the planet."

"I don't care if it's made of recycled illegal immigrants and good for curing cancer, that stuff's ruining his teeth! He's probably got a cavity and will have to go to a…you know…a D-E-N-T-I-S-T."

Sasori tugged on Konan's shirt at the spelling, not quite old enough to spell things out without putting a lot of effort into it. "Konan, what's that?"

Deidara jumped into the conversation before Konan could speak. "She's talking about a dentist, un." Sasori's chocolate-colored eyes grew round at this. "And if you've got a cavity, he's going to take this huge drill and drill a hole in your teeth, and then he might decide that he likes it so much that he wants to do it again, and again, and again, until all your teeth have holes, and then they'll all start rotting and falling out, and then-"

"Deidara, stop it!" Konan scolded. By this point in time Sasori was trembling in her arms and looked about ready to burst into tears. "Just for that, you can take him to the dentist's!"

"What?"

"No arguing, I'm calling them now," she informed him as she set Sasori down on the edge of the counter and reached for the phone that hung from the nearby wall.

"Damnit."

"Deidara!"

"I mean…muffins."

-mm-

Deidara had been expecting Sasori to kick and scream the whole way to the dentist's office, just as he'd done when the blond tried to lift him up off the ground for the first time. However, he should have known that unless the fear of something was so overwhelming and beyond all reasonable explanation that it could be labeled as a phobia, Sasori would face his doom with grace and quiet dignity. So, rather than howl like a banshee and fight Deidara like a championship boxer when the time came for his scheduled appointment, Sasori went as limp as a ragdoll and tapped into that magical little kid power that somehow allows the brats to suddenly gain fifty pounds, making them almost impossible to carry.

Now Deidara was in excellent shape from his years of ninja training, but hefting Sasori onto his shoulder had taken a good deal more effort than one would expect, and the bomber had barely made it into town before carrying Sasori wore him out. It didn't help much that everyone he passed stared at the two, wondering what a full-grown man was doing carrying what appeared to be a dead child over his shoulders. "Sasori, stop that," he hissed.

The child remained still and silent.

"I mean it, un. Everyone's staring."

Sasori's only response was to attach a chakra string to the back of Deidara's ankle and yank, which nearly sent both the blond and the redhead plummeting to the ground. Fortunately Deidara was able to regain his footing in time, but not before drawing even more looks for the surrounding pedestrians. "Ok, that's it," he growled. He was tired of the disturbed looks, his body protested having to lug around the Akasuna, and above all, he was sick of this five-year-old acting like he had absolute control over the blond. Time to get a few things straightened out.

Deidara wandered to the side of the road and quickly located a public bench. Once there, he set Sasori down on the wooden surface decorated with peeling green paint, and then kneeled down to be eye level with the child. "Are you going to tell me why you're being so difficult?"

"You said it'd hurt."

"I was kidding, un!"

"Nu-uh. You said that he'd drill holes in my teeth, and they'd all fall out, and then I'd have to get false teeth, and Grandma says they're painful."

Deidara sighed and rubbed his head in a sheepish manner. All right, maybe he had been a little hard on the kid. Especially considering his own aversion to dentists…

-mm-

_Deidara hissed lowly as he rubbed his jaw, tears of pain dotting the corners of his eyes. "Shit, un," he growled while fisting the bed sheets in his free hand. The blond was positive now that there was something wrong with his tooth; it'd been causing him agony for several days now, and eating had become an almost impossible task._

_"Brat, what are you doing?"_

_Deidara didn't even turn around to look at Sasori; he'd sensed the older man's chakra the moment the Akasuna had entered the room. "Nothing."_

_"You're never doing nothing. You're either plotting some way to make my life a living hell, plotting some way to make Itachi's life a living hell, or doing something that will inadvertently turn your own life into a living hell. Now which of the three is it?"_

_"…Third one, un."_

_"Well at least now we're getting somewhere." By now, Sasori had taken a seat on the bed across from Deidara, and was studying the blond with a scrutinizing gaze. "What have you done?"_

_"My tooth hurts, un. I think I have a cavity."_

_"Then go see a dentist."_

_"No! They'll yank out my teeth with pliers after giving me a shot of whiskey, and they might get the wrong one, un!"_

_"…Brat, exactly how medically advanced was Iwagakure?"_

_"What's that supposed to mean?"_

_Sasori sighed and shook his head. "Never mind. Just, stay here for a moment. And quick poking your face; that's only aggravating the problem." Giving Deidara no further explanation for his orders, the redhead stood and walked out of the room._

_Deidara had a good five minutes to ponder exactly what the heck his partner was doing before the redhead came back into the room with a bottle of gin in one hand and a bag of cotton balls in the other. "What's that for, un?"_

_"I'm about to show you," Sasori replied as he set the supplies down on the bedside table and unscrewed the cap on the gin._

_Deidara quietly observed his danna as the man took out a cotton ball, held it against the mouth of the bottle, and quickly inverted the gin for a few seconds. "There. Hold this against your tooth and the pain should lessen."_

_"Really?"_

_"No, brat, I just want to see you get drunk because I find the idea of you being even louder and more annoying than usual absolutely hilarious."_

_"All right, geez, I'm taking it," the bomber grumbled before accepting the alcoholic cotton ball and holding it against his tooth. In a matter of minutes, the pain had definitely lessened. "Hey, it works!"_

_"I'm aware. Keep doing that until you work up the guts to visit the dentist, understand?"_

_"Got it."_

-mm-

Well great, now Deidara felt like a total asshole. He sighed and shook his head; better try and make amends now. "Look, Sasori, I was lying about the dentist."

"You're just saying that so I'll go there," Sasori sniffled.

"I'm not. All he's going to do to you is look inside your mouth, and _maybe_, if and only if he finds a cavity, he'll fix it with the drill, un. Then you get a prize for being a good patient."

At this, Sasori perked up in his seat. "A prize?"

"Well, that's what they used to do, un. Usually it was something like a plastic yo-yo or a sucker…hey wait, why were they handing out suckers at a dentist's office-"

"C'mon stupid, let's get going!" Sasori ordered. While Deidara was lost in his own world, the redhead had scrambled down off the bench and was now attempting to hurry Deidara along by pulling his arm out of its socket.

"OW! Sasori, slow down, un!"

-mm-

The kid had to be bipolar. There was no other explanation for Sasori's rapid mood swings.

Around Konan, the Akasuna was a sweet little angel who could do no wrong. Then when he was left alone with Deidara, the redhead did everything in his power to make the blond's life a living hell. And now here they were at the dentist's office, where Sasori had held open the office door for an elderly woman and what appeared to be her grandchild (right around Sasori's age, Deidara mentally added), before hurrying in and politely asking the receptionist for a clipboard so Deidara could check him in. Seriously, either Sasori was bipolar, or not even Pein's jutsus were capable of suppressing the sheer amount of annoyance the puppet master felt around his partner.

The duo were currently sitting side by side in the waiting room, watching some daytime talk show play on a muted TV screen as they waited for Sasori to be called. The redhead was doing his best to look calm and composed, but Deidara's observational skills, being second to none, were quick to pick up on the pallor on Sasori's face and the way he nervously wrung his hands together. "I'll told you, there's nothing to be scared about, un."

"I'm not scared, stupid." And with those words the emotionless façade that Sasori oh so often sported was back in place. This time, it only made Deidara smirk. He was starting to see why the others found chibi Sasori so cute. What came off as grumpy and aloof in a full-grown man was kind of endearing in a small child that was trying so hard to be a strong adult.

The dental assistant came out moments later and retrieved the redhead, leaving Deidara alone for half an hour. Soon enough the redhead came back out, carrying a paper toy that Deidara recognized as being a fold-out Styrofoam plane. Well at least they'd gotten rid of the suckers. "No cavities, I'm pleased to say," the dentist informed him. "Just some popcorn kernels stuck between the teeth. The boy must work on his flossing. He said you were the one picking him up, so might I assume you're his…brother?"

"This is Deidara," Sasori stated while firmly grasping the blond's hand. "He's in charge of me while mama and papa are away."

"I see. Well, Mr. Deidara, I had a question for you. My receptionist has noticed that you spent most of your time in my waiting room rubbing your cheek. Do you by any chance have some dental problem that needs to be taken care of?"

"O-of course not, un. Just, ah, my cheek felt funny, that's all, un. Well we'd better get going-"

"Come on, stupid. If I had to get checked out, so do you," Sasori argued. The chibi redhead drew himself up to his full height and boldly dragged the blond into the dentist's main room to have his teeth checked out for the first time in a good many years.

-mm-

As it turned out, Deidara not only had to cavities that needed to be filled, but also had to have an impromptu root canal. By the time he and Sasori left the dentist's an hour later, the bomber's face was swollen up to grandiose proportions, and he was having trouble walking straight due to a painkiller induced high.

Sasori seemed to take no notice of his partner's plight and was walking ahead, the toy airplane held up by a single chakra string and flying behind him like a kite. "Hurry up," he whined. "We're gonna be late for dinner."

"I can't even eat because of this, un," Deidara slurred out from his swollen mouth. His foot suddenly lost its grounding on a patch of loose gravel, and Deidara was sent tumbling into a nearby ditch with a most undignified yelp.

Sasori, of course, found the whole spectacle to be absolutely hilarious and began laughing in the middle of the road. "Do it again, do it again!"

Deidara decided that he hated that little brat with a passion.


	5. Chapter 4

"You wanted to see me, un?"

Pein looked up from the file on his desk to see Deidara standing in the doorway. "Ah, Deidara. Have a seat, please." The Akatsuki leader waited for the bomber to cross the room and sit down in the chair directly across from him before going on. "You're looking…well." This, of course, was an outright lie.

Deidara had bits of wood shavings clinging to his hair, and several dried, crusty clumps of the things told Pein the blond had tried unsuccessfully to wash them out. He had bags under his eyes that indicated a severe lack of sleep, and his entire body was covered in an array of blue and black bruises, a few with yellowish tinting on the edges showing they'd been there for at least a couple of weeks. He was slouched down in his seat, and overall carried the air of a beaten man.

Marveling at the damage a single child could cause to an S-ranked criminal, Pein straightened the stack of files on his desk, before pulling out a single manila folder. "It's been a while since you were sent on an assignment. I trust you are still capable of handling fieldwork?"

"Do I have to bring the little terror with me?" Deidara immediately demanded.

"In light of the current situation" (by which Pein meant Deidara's utter defeat at the hands of chibi Sasori), "Konan has volunteered to watch Sasori while you're away."

It was as if the blond had been told that the world henceforth declared his idea of art to be the only correct method. "When do I leave, un?" he eagerly inquired.

"As soon as you're packed and ready to go. This mission will be a basic infiltrate and spy mission, and shouldn't take more than a few weeks to complete. I know stealth isn't typically your forte, but-"

"Uh-huh, keep quiet, keep low, get back in one piece, I can handle it, un!" Somewhat wary at Deidara's eagerness, Pein held out the file, which was snatched up by the blond's hand seconds later. Deidara had bolted from the room a second later, slamming the door shut behind him as he left. Ten minutes later, he was gone from the base and practically doing cartwheels as he left. Finally, he was free from the tyranny of Sasori.

-several hours later -

Konan was in the kitchen cooking the Akatsuki's dinner (pot roast and vegetable soup), when she felt a slight tug on her apron. A quick glance down confirmed her suspicions that the culprit was Sasori. He was staring up at her with a frown on his face, eyes narrowed in annoyance. "Sasori, what's wrong?"

"I can't find stupid. Do you know where he is, Konan? He's supposed to be playing with me outside."

Konan turned the stove's heat on low and crouched down to be eye level with Sasori. "Sasori, I've told you several times that his name is Deidara, not stupid."

"But I like stupid better! It fits him."

"To answer your question," Konan went on, "Deidara had to leave for a mission earlier today."

"W-what?"

"He'll be back very soon, and until then I'll be watching you."

"But…he didn't say goodbye." Sasori's lower lip began to tremble as tears welled up in his eyes.

"Sasori, it'll be ok!" Konan emphatically told him, seeing the child on the brink of crying. "You and I can play together, and now you won't have to worry about him hovering in the kitchen and ruining our fun."

"He left without saying goodbye," the redhead stated, his voice cracking halfway through the sentence. Suddenly he sank down to the floor and began bawling his eyes out, his childish voice echoing eerily in the Akatsuki kitchen.

Konan was quick to pull Sasori into an embrace and tried to hush him, but it was still quite a while before she was able to get the boy to settle down, and even then the Akasuna still wept, tears pouring out of his puffy eyes as he hiccupped loudly in her lap. "You ok now?" Konan asked. It practically broke her heart when Sasori shook his head again, and then burst into a fresh round of sobs. This was going to be a long two weeks.

-mm-

Deidara was dreading his return to the base with each step that he took. He was sore and exhausted beyond all reason, but even the stress of a solo mission had been paradise to the time he was forced to spend with Sasori at the Akatsuki base. Just imagining what sort of nightmares the redhead had concocted for him in his absence was enough to make the blond want to turn tail and charge straight back into the fray of battle.

As he reached the secret entrance to the base and made the appropriate hand signs for entry, Deidara sighed and quickly resigned himself to whatever fate his chibi partner had in store for him. It had been a nice break while it lasted. Now to return to the hell known as his everyday life.

Deidara had barely set foot inside the base when a familiar pale hand came out of nowhere and slapped him across the face. "What the hell was that for, un?" he demanded while waiting for the stars to disappear from his vision.

"You ought to be ashamed of yourself!" Konan bellowed in a tone that promised prolonged suffering for the bomber. "You think you can just take off from here and leave Sasori behind like that?"

"Pein told me you'd be watching the little hellion, un!" Deidara argued.

"That isn't what I meant, you moron! You took off without telling Sasori goodbye, Deidara. He's a five-year-old child right now, and you're his favorite person in the whole world! Do you have any idea what you've done to him?"

"What planet have you been living on?" the bomber snapped angrily. "That kid lives only to torment me, in case you haven't noticed! He hated me as an adult, and now he hates me as a sniveling brat, un!"

"Oh really? Then why has he been bawling his eyes out ever since he found out you were gone, huh? Care to explain that?"

"He's been crying? Wait a minute, there's no way that's even possible. Danna does not cry, un, no matter what-"

"Your danna may not have shown emotions, Deidara, but the chibi version of him is more than capable of expressing his feelings, and at the moment he's feeling rather heart-broken and betrayed."

"So what am I supposed to do?"

"Go into the kitchen and let him know you're sorry for running off without telling him."

"But-"

"Do it, or however Sasori reacts when he gets his body back is going to be the least of your worries." Deidara gulped at the threat and quickly decided on approaching the Akasuna. Konan was the immediate threat, and if Sasori was disgusted by the blond's apology, well, he'd cross that bridge when he came to it. Decision made, Deidara briskly walked down the hall and through the living room, before at last coming upon the kitchen.

The sight that met Deidara's eyes was probably one of the most pathetic spectacles the blond had ever seen. Sasori was curled up on one of the bar stools by the counter, his legs tucked close against his chest and one arm feebly wrapped around the limbs. In his other hand he held a chocolate chip cookie, which he was half-heartedly nibbling as though the effort to eat such a thing was too much for him. Although the Akasuna wasn't crying at the moment, his eyes were red and puffy, and every once in a while he let out a sniffle. It was almost enough to break Deidara's nonexistent heart.

Slowly, Deidara made his way across the kitchen to where the redhead sat, unsure of what he was supposed to do in this situation. Sure, he and Sasori made each other mad all the time as full-grown shinobis, but they'd usually just let it go and gradually allow things to return to normal. This particular fiasco was outside the realm of anything Deidara was prepared to handle, and thus the bomber felt quite vulnerable as he cleared his throat to draw Sasori's attention away from the cookie. "Hey Sasori."

The Akasuna started at the sound of Deidara's voice and instantly jerked his head up to look at the blond. Their eyes locked, and for a few seconds the kitchen was absolutely silent. And then…

WHAM

Deidara's head connected with the countertop before he collapsed to the floor. "OW! What the hell did I do now?"

"I hate you, stupid!" Sasori screamed at the injured bomber before fleeing the kitchen at top speed.

Knowing that he'd have to face the wrath of Konan if he let Sasori get away, Deidara hurriedly stumbled after the brat and eventually wound up in front of the door to their room just as it slammed shut. When he attempted to turn the knob, he found that Sasori had locked the door from the inside, and was probably jamming the lock's inner workings with chakra strings. "Sasori, open this door," he ordered in his best grown-up voice.

"Go away!"

"I mean it, un!" He tried the lock again, but with no more success than he'd had on the previous attempt. "You're going to be in big trouble if you don't open up, un!"

"I don't care! I hate you!" Deidara felt his stomach sink down into his sandals when he heard the redhead begin to sob. Well this was working rather well. Time to try a new tactic.

Deidara lowered himself to the floor and leaned against the door, clearing his throat to speak in a much softer tone than before. "Sasori, please open the door, un. Konan's going to be very upset with both of us if we don't talk about why you're upset, and you don't want to hurt Konan, right? I promise you're not going to be in trouble if you open up by the time I count to three. One…two…thr-" The blond's counting was cut off by the door jerking back several inches, exposing a very distraught Sasori hovering over the blond.

At this point, Deidara's ninja reflexes kicked in. He barrel rolled into the room, snatched Sasori up in one arm, and quickly kicked the door shut behind him before standing up and carrying a now very dizzy Sasori across the room to the redhead's bed. "All right, now why were you crying while I was gone, un?" Deidara asked as he set down the Akasuna on the mattress and then took a seat beside him.

Sasori sniffled weakly and glared up at Deidara. "You didn't say goodbye."

The bomber blinked a few times at the words, not sure if he'd heard right. "I didn't say goodbye, un. Why is that such a big deal?"

Sasori's immediate answer came in the form of a pillow connecting with the side of Deidara's head. "Stupid, you're always supposed to say goodbye before you go on a mission!" he shouted at the confused Iwa ninja. "Mama and papa do it before they leave, and grandma does it too whenever she has to go away for a long time! That way if something bad happens to you, you at least said goodbye to the people who are important to you."

Deidara was dumbfounded for a few minutes, and the only sound in the room was Sasori crying a fresh batch of tears. "Sasori, I didn't realize it was so important, un." Though now that Deidara thought about it, Sasori had always informed the blond whenever he was going on a solo mission, and wished Deidara farewell whenever it was the bomber who was being sent into the field alone. Well, his exact words tended to be something more along the lines of, "Don't get yourself killed, brat. That's my job," but it was close enough, right?

"Sasori, I'm sorry," Deidara apologized, and he truly meant that with every fiber of his being. "Next time, I'll let you know when I'm leaving, but only if you promise not to cry when I leave."

Sasori scoffed and hurriedly wiped the tears from his eyes. "It's not like I missed you or anything, stupid. I was just upset by how much of an idiot you were for not saying goodbye."

Deidara smirked, choosing not to make a comeback and instead ruffled the child's hair, smirk growing as Sasori glowered at him. "Do that again and I'll break your neck."

"Uh-huh," Deidara dismissively replied before rising from the bed. Crisis averted, at least for now. "Well now that that's straightened out, I'm going to get something to eat." He'd barely taken two steps, however, before he felt a familiar hand grasp at the sleeve of his cloak. "Hm?"

"I'm hungry too," Sasori informed him.

"But you were just eating-"

"I want PB&J. No one else here makes it right." Deidara chose not to comment; sometimes, it was better to just let these things go. Besides, peanut butter and jelly sounded pretty good right about now…


	6. Chapter 5

"Stupid, time to get up!"

"Mmph," was Deidara's answer as he rolled away from Sasori to sleep on his side.

Sasori pouted and clambered onto the bed. It was nine o'clock, so if he and stupid didn't get up soon, the big shark man and the loudmouth with the scythe would eat everything Konan had made for breakfast! But he had to be careful; if he was mean to stupid again, the bomber might run off without saying goodbye. What was Sasori to do?

His solution was to poke the blonde repeatedly in the shoulder, accenting each poke with a word. "Stupid, we need food! No more sleeping!" The redhead squealed when Deidara suddenly rolled over on top of him, pinning his fragile frame to the mattress. "GAH! Get off me!"

Whether it was the screaming, the writhing on the bed, or a combination of the two, Sasori was finally able to drag Deidara into consciousness. "Wazzat?"

"Stupid, you're squishing me to death!"

Around that time, it occurred to Deidara that there was a small, familiar body squirming under him. His brain took a few moments to register that it was Sasori, and then inform him that a full-grown man pinning a small child to a mattress was probably a bad idea. That epiphany snapped him into full awareness, and he sprang up from the bed as though it were on fire. "What the-"

"About time you got up!" Sasori snapped. "I've been trying to get you up forever, stupid! What if I was a burglar, huh? I would've stolen everything by now!"

"Urgh, quit shouting! Danna always makes sure no one gets in, un," Deidara snapped while rubbing his temples.

Sasori looked up at the blond and cocked his head to the side. "Who's Danna?"

Deidara froze at the inquiry. How was he supposed to answer that? 'Oh, see, you're actually over 30 years old and my work partner, and I address you as danna, but I screwed up on the last mission so Pein trapped you in the body of a munchkin'? Sure, and while he was at it, why not just confess that he'd had a crush on the man for years? "He's a security gremlin that lives in the air vents," he blurted out.

Sasori blinked at the bomber. "You're lying," he immediately retorted.

"No I'm not! Remember that thumping noise you heard in the ceiling last night, un?"

"You said that was Zetsu morphing through the walls to take pictures for Konan!"

"Well I lied, un. It was the gremlin."

"Prove it," Sasori demanded.

"Well, um…I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because…well…oh! You see, gremlins like to eat little girls and boys at night if it catches them out of bed, un. So if I caught it and brought it in, it would see that you weren't asleep, and then it'd gobble you up! And since you're so small, Danna would only take one or two bites, and would still have room for more children, un."

"I don't know…"

"Tell you what. We'll put out some beef jerky in the air ducts, and if it's gone in the morning, you'll know I'm right, un."

"You just said Danna eats children!"

"Children taste just like jerky. Ask Zetsu, un."

Now Sasori was more confused than ever. "Why would Zetsu know that?"

Mercifully, the little brat's stomach began rumbling at that moment, offering Deidara an escape from this spiraling disaster of a conversation. "Let's get you some breakfast, un. What'll it be today?"

"Konan's making pancakes!" Sasori suddenly recalled. "We need to go now, before they're all gone!" With that, he grabbed Deidara's hand and practically dragged the bomber out of the room towards the kitchen. Deidara didn't even complain; all he cared about was that a huge crisis had been averted. Now all he had to do was find Zetsu at some point and ask the man to dispose of any jerky he found in the air ducts.

When the pair arrived in the kitchen, they discovered that most of the other members were already seated at the kitchen counter, munching on pancakes and bacon. "You're late," Konan commented from her work station, aka the stove.

"Stupid wouldn't get up," Sasori explained while scaling the great height of the bar stool he'd claimed as his own.

"Really now," Konan answered, shooting Deidara as sly grin as he glared back at her. "Well you two are just in time; there's only a few pancakes left." Here she motioned to the large plate which typically held a mountain of pancake-based heaven, sitting in the center of the counter. At the moment, though, there were only a few flapjacks left, and the box of mix sticking out of the garbage can made it clear that no more golden-brown treats were forthcoming.

"And they're all mine!" Hidan declared as he plunged his fork downwards toward the pancake plate. The plate, however, had different ideas, and suddenly flew across the countertop towards the two artists. "The hell?"

"The pancakes are for me and stupid," Sasori informed Hidan. Deidara chose not to comment, and silently picked up a flapjack and began cutting it into bite-sized pieces for the redhead. "Besides, if you eat any more pancakes, your butt's going to be huge."

You could have heard a pin drop. Deidara stopped cutting, Konan stopped frying the bacon, and multiple members froze with bites of food halfway towards their mouths. "What did you just say?" Hidan growled out with pure malice.

"If you eat any more pancakes, your butt's going to be huge," Sasori repeated in a matter-of-fact tone. "It's already pretty big and squishy, and it gushes over the side of your chair when you sit down. Pretty soon, it'll be so big you can't sit in your chair, and then you'll have to eat pancakes on the floor."

"Listen you little shit-"

"Sasori, that's not a very nice thing to say," Konan interjected while Kakuzu attempted to muffle Hidan's outburst. "Deidara eats just as much as Hidan, but you wouldn't say he has a big butt, would you?"

"But stupid looks pretty!" Sasori protested.

Deidara began choking on his own pancakes at the comment, and was only saved from asphyxiating by Tobi giving him the Heimlich. "Sasori, you don't call boys pretty, un!" he snapped at the redhead.

"But you are pretty, stupid! You have pretty hair and a pretty face and a pretty waistline and a pretty voice!"

Deidara groaned and buried his head in his arms on top of the counter. He would have given anything to hear his danna say those words once upon a time, but not while trapped in a body of a child! It was sick and wrong on so many levels, and the only merciful thing about this whole situation was that Itachi and Kisame weren't present, having wandered out of the room sometime after the pancake battle started.

"We're just going to leave now," Kakuzu informed Konan while half-carrying, half-dragging Hidan from the room. There was only so much he could take, and that had crossed the line.

"Sasori, how about we talk about something else, hm?" Konan pleaded, cheeks still flushed from the extreme amount of blushing she'd done moments ago. "What else would you like for breakfast? We have eggs, muffins, sausage-"

"Beef jerky!"

"…What?"

"Stupid said I needed beef jerky for the air vents!" Sasori explained as he clambered off his stool and dashed over to the snack cabinets to seek out his target, his half-eaten pancakes now completely forgotten.

"Why would he tell you that?" Konan pressed, now more confused than ever.

"Because Danna the security gremlin lives in the air ducts, and I have to feed him jerky or else he'll eat me!" the boy finally seemed to find what he was looking for and slammed the door shut. He stood up, plastic bag of meaty treats clutched in his hands, and bolted from the room.

Konan stared after the redhead for a few moments, not entirely sure of what just happened, before turning her attention back to Deidara. "All right, spill. What's this about security gremlins?"

"I accidentally mentioned Sasori danna, and when the kid asked about it I had to tell him something, un," Deidara ground out, having finally worked up the will to sit up again.

"You do realize Sasori's going to kill you when he gets his body back, right?"

"Not if I tell him Kisame told me that story my first week here and I believed it ever since."

"Just keep digging that hole deeper, eh Deidara?" she asked with a shake of her head.

"Hey, if you dig long enough, you come out on the other side, un."

"Is that how it works with gay people?" Tobi asked. "Do they start digging on one side as straight people, and then after they come out on the other side, they're gay?"

"What-no Tobi, un! That's not how being gay works!"

"Ooooh, good! 'Cause Zetsu told me that what happens is a stork brings parents a blue egg if the baby is a boy and a pink egg if it's a girl, but sometimes it brings a rainbow egg and when the baby hatches, it's gay!"

"Thank Kami none of you reproduced," Konan groaned with another shake of her head. Pein nodded in agreement, and then attempted to drown himself in his morning cup of coffee. No amount of training had prepared him for this.


	7. Chapter 6

"Ow!"

"Hold still, un!"

"No, it hurts!"

Deidara sighed and attempted to somehow pin Sasori into a sitting position while simultaneously leaving his own arms free to move about. He was trying to comb the redhead's hair, as Sasori's own attempt to keep his hair tidy had been deemed less than satisfactory. However, the stereotype of gingers having extremely low pain thresholds appeared to be holding true, as the child was all but howling in agony every time the comb made its way through his bright-red locks.

"It only hurts because you keep fidgeting-OWW! Did you just bite me?"

"You keep making it hurt!" Sasori whined with tears in his eyes.

"Urgh, fine!" Deidara snapped as he chucked the comb across the room, not caring where it fell. There was only so much of Sasori's brattiness he could handle, and his daily limit had been reached. "We'll just put a hat on you and call it quits for today; how's that, un?"

"Yay!"

"Good, un. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to disinfect this bite wound before I visit Pein. You go play in the living room or something, un."

Deidara's annoyance at Sasori rapidly melted away once he exited their shared room and began the trek towards the Akatsuki leader's office. Ever since Sasori's meltdown, Pein had been more than a bit hesitant about sending the bomber back into the field (Konan probably had more than a bit to do with that, but he couldn't be sure). However, a few nights ago Pein had spoken to Deidara briefly and informed the bomber that he would be receiving a new assignment today, and to come alone to his office. Deidara had been counting down the hours as they ticked by at an agonizingly slow pace, desperate to take the mission specs from Pein and get back into the real world with a pouch of knives and a sack of clay, and no Sasori clinging to his hand every waking moment of the day. With these thoughts in mind, Deidara opened the door to Pein's office and peaked inside. "You wanted to see me, un?"

Pein grunted in acknowledgement but otherwise gave no sign that he was even aware that Deidara had entered the room. As usual, he was half-hidden behind a mountain of files, scrolls and loose papers that needed to be reviewed, assigned, or disposed of. Seeing the outrageous amount of desk work that went into being the leader made Deidara almost glad that he was on this side of the desk taking orders instead of being on the other side giving them. Almost. "I understand that you've been getting restless here at the base," Pein stated as he closed a file and pushed it away.

Deidara heart leapt at the words. Maybe he'd finally be given a chance to get out of this place! "I need out, un. I'm not a babysitter, and I swear to Kami I am _this close_ to wringing the brat's neck."

"That brat is still your partner, Deidara. But, back to the mission." There, the magic word! "I have an assignment for you. Moderate risk, should get you out of the base for a while, and it's nothing too out of the ordinary."

"Go on, un." Deidara honestly didn't care what the mission was, he was willing to dig through moldy piles of long-lost files in the bottom of an abandoned shack if it meant escaping the confines of the base.

"You'll be a liaison for the Akatsuki with one of our more reliable contacts. Her name is Akiko, and she's a noblewoman from the Land of Waves. We've had good relations with her in the past, but lately our meetings have been more…frosty, you could say."

"What do you want me to do, un? Threaten to blow off her legs if she doesn't warm up to us?"

"Actually, I was hoping for a more…how can I put this…you see, she has a thing for blonds-"

"No."

"Deidara-"

"I'm not that desperate, un! And when the hell did I start giving off the straight vibe, un?"

Pein remained relatively calm throughout the bomber's outburst; hissy fits and bouts of unnecessary rage were more common in the Akatsuki than he'd care to admit. "Deidara, I can assure you that you are still a queen among queens."

"HEY!"

"But, I figured that a notorious S-ranked criminal with years of experience in covert operations and stealth could pretend to be straight for one lousy week if his leader told him to do it. Suck it up and take one for the team."

"That 'one' has a pussy attached to it!"

"She's not the only one," Pein muttered under his breath. With a sigh, the leader cleared his throat and gave Deidara his best deadpan expression. "Look, you want out and this is the only way it's going to happen. Would it help if I could promise you a guaranteed way to ensure you don't have to go past first base?"

Deidara still looked fairly disgusted, but nodded in reluctant agreement. Regardless of the strings attached, he wanted to be out and about once more. "How, un?"

BAM

Deidara and Pein both reached for their knives and spun around to face the doorway, prepared to fend off whatever intruder had barged their way into the office. Much to their relief (and Deidara's annoyance), the culprit was none other than a familiar redhead child. "Sasori, what the hell did I tell you about slamming doors, un? And why aren't you in the living room?"

"Because Kisame and Itachi started wrestling on the couch and it got too noisy for me to watch TV."

"Not the upholstery!" Pein shrieked as he dashed out of the office, leaving behind a confused Sasori and mortified Deidara.

-several days later -

"Stupid, why are you in such a bad mood?"

"…"

"Stupid, why are you in a bad mood?" Sasori repeated in a louder voice to ensure that Deidara could hear. When the bomber once again failed to respond, the redhead felt he had no choice but to resort to his weapon of choice; chakra strings. A quick yank to the back of Deidara's heel, and the blond was sprawled out on the ground. "Answer me!"

Deidara muttered something incoherent using language that would've made a veteran sailor blush and turned to glare at the miniature nightmare. "Because, Sasori, Pein neglected to inform me when I took this assignment that one of the conditions of this mission would be taking you along, un!"

Apparently Pein's ingenious plan to worm their way back into Akiko's heart revolved around exploiting Sasori's cuteness in front of the woman. It was a fairly well-conceived plan; Akiko was in her early thirties, so most of her hormones should be screaming for her to make babies right now. A child was the perfect way to play on this hormonal weakness; and, if the adorable child in question was the charge of a young, handsome man like Deidara…well, who in their right mind could refuse? All in all, it was a brilliant tactical maneuver on the part of Sir Leader.

It didn't change the fact that Deidara was pissed off beyond all reasonable belief.

"Oh. Is that all?"

"Yes Sasori, that's all. Can we get going again?"

"Stupid, why do I have to walk?"

"_Because you're still too damn scared of heights for us to fly,"_ Deidara thought to himself, but chose not to say aloud. Chibi Sasori might piss him off even more than adult Sasori could, but yelling at a child for a phobia was low, even by his standards. "The exercise is good for you, un. It'll make you stronger. You want to be a strong ninja like me when you grow up, don't you?"

"No, I wanna be a good ninja."

"_Smartass brat. I should break his neck and toss him in a ditch. No one would ever know."_

"Hey stupid?"

"What."

"How come Kisame and Itachi only wrestle together? Kisame's way bigger than Itachi, and Itachi has Sharingan, so it's not fair when they fight. Why won't they wrestle anyone else?"

Higher powers, why did Sasori have to ask that of all things? Deidara couldn't just explain sex to a five-year-old, and reminding himself that the kid was actually his much older partner/secret crush did nothing to diminish the awkwardness of the situation. The child Sasori wouldn't understand half the explanation Deidara could offer, and the older Sasori would surely mock the bomber for his extensive knowledge of sex despite not having gotten any for a very long time. But now that the question had been asked, Sasori would persist in bothering the bomber until an answer was given or Deidara was dead, whichever came first. What to do? "Stupid, answer me!" Well, that was a good place to start.

"Sasori, Kisame and Itachi aren't wrestling, un. They're, um…giving each other a special hug. And they can only give the hug to each other, and no one else."

"Why?"

"Because Kisame is Itachi's special someone, and Itachi is Kisame's. That's how it works for them."

"Oooh. Wait, does that mean Kakuzu and Hidan are special someones for each other?"

"Well they're a little different, but yeah, you could say that. Everyone in the Akatsuki has their own special someone, un. Pein has Konan, and Zetsu has Tobi."

"Are my mommy and daddy are like that? Do they do the special hug too?"

"Um, well, I don't really know about that Sasori, un." Dear Kami, could this get any worse?

"I don't think my grandma has a special someone. She's always alone when great-uncle isn't around." Eww. Images of old-lady sex. Thank you imagination, we're done for the day. "Stupid, there's a tea shop up ahead! I want lunch!"

"We just ate an hour ago, un."

"You only made grownup food. I want real food for lunch." Deidara was tempted to make a rebuttal, but really, there was no point in arguing with Sasori when he got like this. Besides, at this point anything was a welcome distraction from his terrible attempt at explaining sex. Kakuzu could chew him out for the expense later; right now, he needed a reprieve.

As it turned out, Sasori wanted to stuff his face with sweets and barely even touched his sandwich, no matter how much ketchup Deidara put on it. Deidara, for his part, chose not to eat and kept a close eye on the ever-growing bill for Sasori's food_. "Kakuzu's going to snap my legs like a pair of chopsticks,"_ he silently wailed.

"Stupid?"

"What? And stop calling me that, un!"

"Why am I coming with you?" Sasori asked through a mouthful of cake.

"Because we're visiting a lady named Akiko, and she likes children. So, you're coming along to make my job easier. "

"I see." Sasori quietly contemplated this bit of information, looking far too thoughtful for a child his age. He took another bite of cake, and Deidara was somewhat unnerved to see an all too wicked smirk growing on the redhead's face. This couldn't end well. "So, she'd really like me if I were sweet and well-behaved like I am for Miss Konan, right?"

"Right. Just be sweet and simple," Deidara warily replied, unsure of wear this was going.

The smirk became a full-blown grin, and Deidara felt as though he'd just set off a trap Sasori had carefully laid out for him. "So, if I were to misbehave in front of Akiko, the whole mission would end badly."

That little-! "You wouldn't dare," Deidara hissed. "If you even think of screwing up this mission, I'll, I'll…"

"You'll get angry and take it out on me, and then I'll cry, and Konan will beat you up for being mean to me and Pein will beat you up for failing the mission."

The brat had his hands tied and knew it. There had been no doubt in Deidara's mind that even as a child, Sasori had been evil and good at hiding it; only now was he able to see the inner genius that had helped the Akasuna grow into such a malevolent mastermind as an adult. "What will it take to make you behave, un?"

"I want something."

"What, another piece of cake?"

"Tell me who it is."

Deidara quirked a brow at the redhead in confusion. "Who who is?"

Sasori gave Deidara a look that clearly indicated he thought the blond to be a complete and total moron. "Who your special someone is. You said everyone in the Akatsuki has one, so that means you do to!"

Shit. Shit shit shiiiiiiiiiiit. Of all the things for Sasori to ask about, why did it have to be _that_? A confession was out of the question, so he had to lie his way out of it. "Sasori, I don't actually have a special someone."

The redhead frowned and ate another bite of cake. "You're lying."

Well that didn't work out. "No I'm not," he tried again.

"Uh-huh. Your pinky twitches a little whenever you lie, and it just twitched. Now tell me who it is or I'll rip out Akiko's hair."

Well this was perfect. Deidara either had to confess his secret crush to the chibi object of his affections, or try lying again and pray to whatever deity would listen that this time the brat would believe him. He chose the latter. "Sasori, I had a special someone, but they went away a long time ago, un."

"Who was it?"

"No one you'd know."

"Why did they leave?"

"Sasori, sometimes things just happen, and we can't do anything about it. You were sad when your parents left, but you couldn't do anything about it, un. This is like that."

"Oh." Another bite; wasn't he ever going to finish that cake? "So, when she gets back, are the two of you going to be all lovey and stuff like Pein and Konan? 'Cause that'd be really gross."

Deidara was about to correct Sasori on his usage of a feminine pronoun, but at the last minute chose not to do so. It would help shield his secret from the Akasuna for a little longer, and he didn't want to let anything more slip today. "Not a chance, un. I never told her that I liked her, and she definitely doesn't feel the same way."

"Did she say that?"

"Well no-AH! Sasori, what the hell?"

The redhead had scooped up a bite of cake and used his fork to catapult it towards his blond companion. Deidara, being extremely distracted by angst, hadn't even noticed the attack until the cake had collided with his cheek with a loud splat.

"First off, you really are an idiot. If I were an enemy, you'd be dead now. Second, how do you know if you didn't tell her?"

Oh geez, this was getting way too messy. "Sometimes you can just tell," Deidara vaguely responded.

"Uh-uh! You need to tell her so she'll say yes or no."

"But, Sasori…_if you said no, I think something in me would break that can't be fixed_."

"But what?" the redhead snapped back.

"Nothing. I'll tell them when they get back, ok?"

"Your finger twitched," Sasori whispered, staring down at his empty plate.

"Hm?"

"I'm done. We can go now."

"And you'll behave?"

The redhead nodded. "Promise."

-mm-

The duo arrived at Akiko's mansion the next day, and if Deidara wasn't the one who needed to be calm and collected, he would have been just as floored by the woman's wealth as Sasori was. The mansion and surrounding gardens were larger than some villages that Deidara had passed through. Anything on her property that wasn't encrusted in gold was guaranteed to have some sort of jewel inlayed in the design, and the tower that made up the centerpiece of her mansion was not only made of expensive imported wood, but also was nearly as tall as the mountain the Akatsuki base was carved into. Needless to say, Deidara was able to figure out rather quickly why Pein was so keen on having Akiko on their side. "Remember our deal, Sasori," Deidara whispered to the redhead.

"I'll be nice. It won't be hard to fool her." Deidara was about to ask what the Akasuna meant by that, but before the conversation could progress the duo was approached by one of Akiko's guards, dressed to the nines and built like a brick wall. A brief introduction was given by Deidara, and then they were led into the mansion to the bedroom they'd be sharing, as decorated as a royal palace. From there, they were given a few moments to drop off their things and freshen up, before following the servant down another hallway and entering into a private room to meet with the noblewoman.

Akiko, to her credit, was a rather attractive woman: pale skin, chocolate brown hair, a natural complexion that would make most women go green with envy, and a figure that would put any model to shame. Her only flaw was her eyes; dark brown, almost black orbs that promised she'd kiss you as soon as stab you in the back. Deidara knew as soon as he saw Akiko that this was a woman who could lie, cheat, and murder as easily as most people breathed, and she'd do it all with a smile on her face. The blond found himself wishing Sasori was here; the Akasuna had always been the one who could talk to powerful people with equal parts respect and submission in his attitude and tone, and could smooth over any of Deidara's blunders with a few words and sickly sweet smile.

A sudden squeeze of his hand brought Deidara back to reality, and a sideways glance confirmed that Sasori was as anxious as the bomber felt. The redhead may have been untrained and naïve in this form, but even he could sense the overwhelming danger this woman represented to both of them, should she become enraged. _"Sasori is here,"_ the bomber reminded himself. _"And now it's my job to protect him._"

"Visitors this early," Akiko mused aloud, the words neither a question nor a statement. She was sprawled out on a chaise lounge (imported, no doubt) in a midnight blue kimono decorated by a collage of exotic flowers. Delicate yet deadly eyes slowed closed and reopened, as though blinking took too much effort at this hour. Still, Deidara couldn't shake the feeling that she could be at his throat with a knife in an instant, should the need arise. "Tell me, to what do I owe the pleasure?"

Deidara sighed to himself and quickly locked his pride away in the deepest recess of his mind. Time to play the ladies' man. "I'm here on business ma'am, not pleasure. At least, at the moment."

Akiko chuckled and moved to sit upright on the lounge. "Charming. Please, come in and sit down; the both of you look so uncomfortable standing there in the doorway."

"Of course, un." Deidara stepped further into the room, tugging a slightly unwilling Sasori behind him. He too wanted to stay close to the doorway so a quick escape would be possible, but at the moment he had to let Akiko have control. If that meant sitting down in front of the woman on plush cushions as big as Sasori, then so be it.

Once the pair was seated, Akiko's eyes caught sight of Sasori and quickly locked onto the boy. "Why hello there. What's your name?"

"My name's Kyo, Miss Akiko," Sasori chirped, a childish grin painted across his cherub face.

"Kyo, hm. Tell me, Kyo, that's not a name common in Iwagakure, yet I seem to recall that being Deidara's home village before he joined Akatsuki. So, how did you come to keep Deidara's company?"

"_She's done her homework,"_ Deidara noted grimly. Hopefully Pein hadn't made too concrete an alibi for the duo, or else one wrong word would cut this meeting terribly short in the worst possible way. _"C'mon Sasori, say something Akiko will believe."_

"I'm from Sunagakure," Sasori replied with the same smile as before. "My parents are away for a while, so he's taking care of me."

"Really now," Akiko remarked. "Any reason why Deidara was selected to be your sitter?"

"Dunno. Stupid's a lousy babysitter."

Akiko seemed taken aback by the nickname, and Deidara began sputtering in a most undignified manner. "Sasori, watch your language, un!"

"But that's what I always call you," Sasori protested.

"That doesn't mean you should!"

Akiko suddenly laughed at the duo, once again slipping down onto her couch in a relaxed position. "How cute. So tell me, Sasori, what exactly has Deidara done to make you so mad at him?"

"He won't let me stay up, he won't play with me, and he makes me eat icky food!"

"_Sweet and simple Sasori, sweet and simple,_" Deidara mentally chanted. He knew that this façade was as painful for Sasori to enact as his own, but from the looks of it the child's complaints were swaying Akiko.

The noblewoman frowned at Sasori's accusations and sat up again. "That won't do. How about I order you some chocolate-filled éclairs to eat for breakfast? And you can sit with me and not that old meanie."

"Really? Yay!"

Akiko seemed to take great delight in emphasizing how much power she held; a simple snap of the fingers, a few words murmured to a servant, and ten minutes later the trio were surrounded by more treats than the average bakery could churn out in an entire day. All the while Deidara watched the brunette, noting the twisted smile on her face that showed she was getting far more enjoyment out of ordering others about than she should. Threatening Akiko to get their way was completely out of the question; clearly, other methods would be needed to keep her friendly. _"If I have to sleep with her, Pein is picking up my tab at the nearest gay bar for a month."_

"How's this one, Sasori?" Akiko crooned down at the redhead, who'd snuggled his way into the woman's lap. Currently the woman was feeding Sasori pastries one by one, and the look on her face made it quite clear that she more than happy to have Sasori sitting with her. Exploiting her hormones had been a brilliant plan.

"It's delicious. Thank you Miss Akiko."

"Aren't you just a darling," the woman murmured to herself. She suddenly seemed to remember that there was another guest present, and returned at least part of her attention to Deidara. "Iwa and Suna haven't always seen eye to eye, Deidara. How is it you've made friends with a family in Suna then?"

"My loyalty lies with Akatsuki, not Iwa," Deidara immediately answered.

"A bomber for hire with loyalties? How very interesting."

"You've done quite a bit of research on me, un." Deidara's remark was harmless enough, but the tone carried more of an accusation than the blond would have liked.

Akiko smiled at the bomber, no doubt noticing the edge to his comment. "Of course. Not learning enough about someone before doing business with them can prove most costly. Wouldn't you agree?" Eyes black as night locked with orbs blue as day, clashing as highly charged emotions ran between the two.

"Miss Akiko?"

The glaring battle was broken off as both Akiko and Deidara looked to Sasori. "What is it, dear?"

"I'm thirsty. Could I please have some water?"

"Of course! Anything for my guests while you're here."

Deidara sighed in relief, noting that the fury of emotions building in Akiko's eyes had all but faded now. At the same time, a lump of guilt rose in his throat before plummeting to the pit of his stomach. He was the one in charge of this mission; and yet, it was Sasori who'd once again rushed to save him because he'd made a foolish remark. This was the reason that Deidara had never been able to confess his feelings to Sasori. True, their differing opinions on art, drastically opposite lifestyles and temperaments, and even the age difference had been contributing factors in his silence, but the one thing that had been at the forefront of Deidara's fears was the fact that Sasori would always be light years ahead of him in terms of cunning and skill as a ninja.

"So, Deidara-" damn that woman for interrupting his angst! "-I couldn't seem to find any information on a romantic partner of yours. Has my information mislead me, or are you single?"

Deidara was taken aback by the frankness of her question, and the way she smiled and fluttered her eyes towards him. Was she trying to flirt? That was…that was pretty bad. How was he even supposed to respond to that?

"Stupid had a special someone, but she left a long time ago," Sasori informed Akiko.

"Sasori!"

"Really now. Tell me sweetie, any idea why she ran off?"

"Because she didn't like him because she was even stupider than stupid is, and he didn't tell her he liked her." Sasori shook his head and beckoned for Akiko to lean closer. When she did so, he bent close to her ear and whispered, "he's kind of hopeless."

"Ok, time for all children to go play somewhere else so the adults can talk, un," Deidara snapped. Before Akiko could protest, the bomber had snatched up the redhead and carried him out of the room.

"Ow! Stupid, slow down," Sasori demanded as the blond dragged him down the hall towards their room. "You're hurting me!"

"You're lucky I'm not spanking you, you little brat," Deidara growled as he dragged Sasori into their room and slammed the door shut behind them. "Now then; what were you thinking, tell Akiko that stuff, un?"

"You said act sweet and simple, and she loved it!"

"But you don't go around telling people about someone's past, especially if romance is involved, un!"

"But Pein said you have to act like you liked her, and you were just making her mad! If it weren't for me, we'd be in big trouble right now! You were just making it worse whenever you tried to talk to her, and now she's gonna be really mad at us! Why'd you have to act so stupid?"

"…Stay here."

Sasori gave the bomber a look of confusion. "Stupid?"

"I'm going to finish the mission," Deidara ground out, his voice cold as ice. "You stay here and play or something, un." With that, Deidara stormed back into the hallway and locked Sasori inside the room.

The bomber took a deep breath and collapsed against a nearby wall. "Keep it together, keep it together," he ordered. He reached up to straighten his headband (an old nervous habit of his), and noticed his hands were shaking slightly. He froze at the sight, and then began chuckling softly. "Damn it, Sasori. You're just a kid right now, and you can't remember a damn thing about us, but you still know exactly how to hurt me, un." Another deep breath, and Deidara pushed himself away from the wall. Time to get back to Akiko, apologize profusely, and flirt.

-some time later-

Late that night, Deidara stumbled down the hallway into his and Sasori's room. He'd put up with nearly twelve hours of drinking, flirting, and having his ass grabbed by a very handsy, very drunk Akiko. Dear Kami, if it weren't for all the alcohol in his system, Deidara never would have gotten through the visit. At least there was something positive about this mess; Akiko had all but promised that she'd remain an ally of the Akatsuki ("How could I turn against an organization with someone as handsome as you in it?").

Deidara sighed and collapsed onto his futon. Now to go to sleep and pray he didn't wake up with a hangover. He could deal with Akiko, the journey back home, and Sasori after a good night's sleep. Speaking of the redhead, Deidara had barely settled in for the night when he sensed Sasori get up and cross the room. He chose to keep his eyes closed and feign sleep, even as the Akasuna sat down beside him and tugged on his sleeve. "Stupid?" No answer. "Stupid, please wake up. I didn't mean to upset you. Please don't be mad at me."

The blond finally opened his eyes and squinted through to darkness towards Sasori. "Can this wait until morning, un?"

Sasori shook his head. "I know you were just doing your best and trying to protect us. I don't really think you're stupid. So please go back to being normal. I don't like it when you're sad."

Damn this kid. Sasori didn't know what he was doing by saying those words, and even though Deidara knew in the back of his head that this version of Sasori was just a child, he couldn't shake the notion that those words were coming from his danna. "Sasori, I'm not…!"

"Hm?"

"Sasori, get over here."

"Why?"

"Just do it," Deidara whispered as he reached for his bag. "And do it fast, un."

For once Sasori decided that it was better to obey the bomber than question his reasons. As soon as he was within reach, Deidara scooped up the redhead in one arm and hurled something into the corner. Sasori was about to ask what the blond was doing, when several panicked cries cut through the air as the explosion from Deidara's bomb illuminated at least half a dozen figures standing near a doorway that Sasori could swear hadn't been there earlier that night.

By the time Sasori could process all this, Deidara had carried him into the hallway and dashed down the corridor, looking for a way out. "What's happening?" Sasori demanded.

"We've been double-crossed, un. I swear, when we get back to the base I'm going to kill Pein, revive him, and kill him again!" The blond suddenly cried out and stumbled, before flinging another explosive behind him and reducing the hallway to ash. "Damn it," he murmured, gripping his thigh.

"What is it?"

"Nothing. Just a little scratch, un. I'll take care of it once we're out of here, un."

"You're bleeding!"

"We're going to be ok," Deidara assured him. At the moment, he wasn't sure whether or not that promise could be kept. One hand was occupied holding Sasori, and the other one was currently infusing chakra into a bird to fly them away. That meant their arsenal was limited to the few clay bugs Deidara had formed and stored in his bag for just such an emergency. The guards Akiko had sent were easy enough to dispense with low-level explosives, but if he encountered any professional hit men or other ninjas, they were going to be in deep trouble. "Keep your head down, un."

BOOM

Sasori screamed as Deidara leapt through the newly made hole in the wall, nearly singeing the both of them in the process. The building had caught fire at some point, and the cool night air was a welcome relief from the increasing heat of the building. "Don't worry Sasori. It's all right, un."

"Really now," a familiar female voice stated. "I suggest you rethink that statement."

Deidara turned to his right to see Akiko, flanked by at least fifty men who were all better armed than both the previous assailants and himself. "As you can see, you're surrounded, outnumbered and outmatched," Akiko continued. "I suggest you surrender quickly and quietly."

"Would it be too cliché to ask why you're doing this, un?" Deidara inquired. Sasori was shaking like a leaf in his arms, and the bomber needed to maintain the illusion of being calm for both their sakes.

"Since you're not going to last much longer, I may as well explain. I've made some rather significant investments in my personal group of mercenaries, and you Akatsuki folks are getting in the way of future business ventures."

"Hmph. So you've gone from influential noblewoman to yakuza wannabe, un?"

"Crude way of phrasing it, but yes. If it helps, you can think of this as strictly business. The Akatsuki has merely become a toxic asset for me. However…"

"What, un?"

"If you choose to defect from the Akatsuki now and join me, I'll not only spare you but make you my partner."

Deidara outright laughed at Akiko's suggestion. "You honestly expect me to believe that you'd ever share power with anyone, un? Besides, people that try to leave the Akatsuki have a nasty habit of dying in a variety of unpleasant ways, un. Drop dead."

Akiko frowned at the blond's reply. "I suggest you reconsider your answer. You wouldn't want anything to happen to that little boy, would you?" Deidara's tightened hold on Sasori was all the answer the noblewoman needed. "I thought not. Now, why don't you be reasonable and come over here."

Deidara held Sasori close to his chest and lowered his head to whisper into the child's ear. A moment later he nodded towards Akiko and slowly began to close the gap between himself and the woman. "There now, that wasn't so bad," Akiko crooned once the bomber was standing directly in front of her. "Just put down Sasori and come with me."

In the next ten seconds, a medley of shocking and confusing things happened. First, Sasori launched himself out of Deidara's arms towards Akiko. The woman was caught completely off-guard, giving Sasori the perfect opportunity to latch onto her shirt and bite her neck hard enough to break the skin. "OWW!" At the same time, Deidara flung his remaining explosives towards the mob of soldiers, detonating them all at once. The resulting explosions gave Deidara enough time to expand his escape bird and take off, flying away in the dark. By the time Akiko et all gathered their wits, Deidara was gone.

There were shouts of confusion and cries of pain from those that had been wounded. Akiko was howling for a medic to tend to her bleeding neck, and the castle was still burning in the background. One person was notably silent during this entire affair, and stood on the ground staring off in the direction Deidara had last been seen. "Stupid, please come back soon," Sasori whispered. Silence was his only answer.


	8. Chapter 7

_"I suggest you reconsider your answer. You wouldn't want anything to happen to that little boy, would you?" Deidara's tightened hold on Sasori was all the answer the noblewoman needed. "I thought not. Now, why don't you be reasonable and come over here."_

_If he had been anyone else, Deidara would have either panicked or surrendered at the ultimatum. But the truth of the matter was, the bomber was a hardened ninja who had been in more than his fair share of impossible situations, and had spent the last few moments mentally going over the details of his current predicament at lightning speed. As it stood, he was outmatched, outnumbered, injured and bleeding fairly heavily, and had a helpless child in his arms. There was no way he could get both of them out of this alive if he tried to escape now. However…_

_Deidara held Sasori close to his chest and lowered his head to whisper into the child's ear. "Sasori, listen to me. I have an idea, but you're going to have to trust me, un."_

"_What?" Sasori whispered back._

"_I'm going to walk to Akiko. When I'm close enough, you jump on her and bite her as hard as you can, un."_

"_What're you going to do?"_

"_Escape. But listen!" Deidara hurriedly continued as he felt panic rise in the redhead. "I'm going to come back for you. I'm going to go out and get enough explosives to blow this place sky-high, un. You'll be here for a while, but Akiko won't hurt you. She's convinced you're valuable if I'm working so hard to protect you, un. Can you do that for me, un?"_

_A tiny hand fisted itself in the front of Deidara's shirt. "Promise you'll come back for me?" Sasori begged, his voice nothing more than a pleading whisper._

"_Of course. We started this mission together, so that's how we'll finish it, un." A moment later he nodded towards Akiko and slowly began to close the gap between himself and the woman…_

-mm-

"That bastard," Akiko growled, leering over the ledgers on her desk with pure malice. "Thirty of my best men, gone up in a puff of pink mist! Another thirteen injured, and at least a dozen more talking about defecting because of this incident!" The noblewoman swore and hurled one of her books across the room, letting out another curse when the impact left a dent in her wall. Great, more repair expenses.

Akiko closed her eyes and took several deep, cleansing breaths. It had been a very long time since she hadn't gotten her way, and the woman had never had to endure damage to her own property. There were occasionally business ventures that turned sour after she'd made significant investments in them, but every time this occurred, Akiko never had to worry about losing more than a little pride and money. Now, not only had her mercenary scheme encountered a rather heavy setback, but a third of her home had been reduced to rather decorative ash. Not to mention a few rather pricey and volatile items in storage had gone up as well…but, there was time for that concern later. In the meantime, she had to focus on the repair of her domicile. Perhaps she'd see about importing stone for the rebuild; something classy like marble or granite would do nicely. Even if the new walls weren't bomb-proof, they'd be highly unlikely to catch fire. Speaking of which… "You friend did quite a lot of damage to my house, Kyo. If that's even your real name."

Sasori was seated on the other side of the office, trussed up like a turkey and unable to do more than send Akiko a glare that could've wilted daisies. Since Deidara's hasty departure the night before, the Akasuna hadn't so much as uttered a syllable. Even now when Akiko was speaking directly to him, all the redhead did was glare even harder than before. "Glare all you want, it still doesn't change the fact that you're my captive. I'm not going to hurt you, though; at least as long as you cooperate with me." Like a snake slithering towards its prey, Akiko slunk across the room and kneeled down in front of Sasori. "If that Akatsuki bastard was willing to carry you through the fire, you're probably worth something. What are you, the son of a nobleman? Or maybe your father's the leader of a village and you're just the leverage so Akatsuki gets their cooperation? Which is it?" Sasori growled something at Akiko, making the woman chuckle. "Oh right, you can't say much through that gag, can you." Reaching down, the noblewoman untied the gag and allowed the silky fabric to fall to the ground. "Now tell me who you are."

"Uh-uh," Sasori croaked out, his voice hoarse from lack of water.

Akiko tsked at the child and jerked his body into a sitting position. "I have ways of making you talk, Kyo. It's probably not a good idea to ransom you if you're burned or scared, but a few minor cuts and bruises shouldn't be much of a problem." She grinned when the child paled, knowing she was getting to him. "But I don't want to hurt you, Kyo. In fact, I feel sorry for you. You trusted Deidara, didn't you? And then he abandoned you. Throwing you away like that to face fire and soldiers, just so he could save his own worthless hide. Why would you want to protect that?"

"He wouldn't leave me," Sasori whimpered in protest.

"Sasori, he's a blood-thirsty criminal who doesn't care about anyone but himself. Do you think those people he killed last night were his first victims? Do you think my mansion was the first building he burned to the ground?"

"He carried me away," Sasori whispered to himself.

"Did you know he's been a wanted criminal for years? It's in his very nature to hurt and use others for his own gain."

"He made me pancakes."

"You saw his performance around me, didn't you? What makes you think he wouldn't do the same to you? I'm old enough to tell when men are lying to me, but you…you're just a boy. How could you know any better?"

"He plays with me."

"But I'm not like him. It breaks my heart to see you hurt like that. Taken from your parents into a den of ruthless criminals, only for them to toss you away as well…" Akiko scooped up Sasori and set the trembling boy in her lap. "Just tell me who you are, and why the Akatsuki wanted you. Do that, and I promise I'll give you anything and everything you could ever want. I'll give you the love and attention they've denied you, and make sure you're never hurt again. So, will you tell me."

"You feel wrong."

"Hm?"

Sasori tilted his head up to look at her. "Your arms are too bony, and you stink like perfume. And Stupid did not abandon me! He's gonna come back and save me, and beat you to a pulp!"

"What-"

"He's a moron, he's tactless, and he couldn't beat me in a fight if his life depended on it, but there's no way in hell he'd leave me with a crabby witch like you that sounds like a sick toad and wears old hooker makeup!"

"Why you-" Akiko raised her hand to strike Sasori, but stayed her move at the last moment. "Fine, believe what you want to believe. You'll see that he's not coming back. Until then, you can stay her and cry your little eyes out." With that, she rolled the Akasuna off her lap onto a pile of cushions and stormed out of the room, slamming the door shut behind her.

Sasori was able to keep himself together for a few minutes before he was forced to bury his face in a pillow to muffle his sobs. He had to be strong, and that meant not letting the enemy see him cry! "Stupid will come," he told himself. "He has a plan. He said so. He'll come for me."

-meanwhile-

"GAAAH! What the hell am I supposed to do now, un?" Deidara, bruised and bandaged after his escape, was holed up in a forest not terribly far from Akiko's base and frantically pacing about. So far, the odds weren't in his favor. Akiko's men were out looking for him, there weren't any nearby patches of clay, from what he'd seen, and he was still somewhat woozy from blood loss. "Why did I think leaving Sasori behind was a good idea? Crap, Konan's gonna kill me for this, un!" The bomber spent a few more minutes anxiously walking about the clearing, as if he'd suddenly stumble upon the answers to his problems if he just kept going. Finally his injuries caught up with him though, and Deidara was forced to seat himself on a nearby log and ponder his predicament. "Think, think, what would Sasori do?"

Deidara cleared his throat, setting his mouth in a deep frown and began speaking in a more Sasori-like voice. "Brat, stop being such an idiot and calm down." Deidara sighed and shook his head. "That sounds about right, un," he murmured in his normal voice. But what came after that?

"Ok, let's think. I'm hidden away, and Akiko probably has no idea where I am. I have time to gather supplies, and I already know the layout of her base." Another deep breath, and this time the panic was mostly gone. Sasori wasn't here, and thinking like his danna wouldn't get anything done. He was capable of standing on his own two feet and handling this like Pein expected him to. Besides, there was no way that he was going to leave Sasori behind and let Akiko get away with hurting them like this. It was time to plan, and then to act.

- two days later-

Sasori was curled up on the pile of cushions that now served as his bed. Akiko had been trying to persuade the redhead to join her, even going as far as untying the boy and showering him with sweets. Sasori, for his part, politely rejected all of her attempts with silence and a sideways glare. Still, it had been nearly three days since he'd seen Deidara, and the Akasuna was beginning to doubt the bomber's ability to keep his promise. What if Deidara was injured and bleeding out? What if Akiko's men had caught and killed him? Or worse…what if the blond had been lying to him, and wasn't going to rescue him?

No! That wasn't true! Deidara would come; all he had to do was wait.

A soft giggle came from behind him, dragging the little redhead back into the cruel world of reality. "Still think he's coming? It's been days, Kyo. Just give up." Sasori refused to answer or look at that devil of a woman. Her charms and words might work on others, but not him. She didn't know Stupid; he did.

Suddenly, a soldier burst into the room, out of breath and looking upset. "M'lady-"

"How dare you barge in unannounced," Akiko hissed to the man, making him squeak and fall to his knees, begging her pardon facedown. The woman merely rolled her eyes at the sight, clearly finding the intruder to be several levels below her own. "Oh stop. What do you want?"

"M'lady, several of the guards…we just came across their bodies, and the heads are missing."

Instantly the man had Akiko and Sasori's attention. "What do you mean, the heads are missing?"

"Just that! We found their bodies in the guard towers naught but a moment ago, and the heads were gone! Nothing but a puddle of blood there-"

"Alert the other guards," Akiko ordered. "Tell them there is an intruder in the castle, by the name of Deidara. Sneak up on him and take him out; he works with explosives at long distances, but he probably spent most of his clay during his escape. I want that man's head on a platter." The soldier muttered an affirmative and dashed out of the room. Moments later, the sound of shouting and warning bells could be heard echoing through the camp. "Well well, it appears I was wrong about your friend coming back for you. No matter. He'll die soon enough."

Sasori listened with baited breath as the shouting went on for several more minutes. Suddenly, a high-pitched screech cut through the air, followed by a bang and a plethora of screams. More explosions went off in quick succession, shaking the mansion to its very foundation and knocking over several furnishings in their room. Eventually the explosions gave way to an uneasy quiet, and the screams of the castle's men soon turned to moans of agony. "What the hell are they doing out there," Akiko growled. Suddenly the woman grabbed Sasori and hauled the child off the ground. "C'mon. You'll make a nice Akatsuki-proof shield." Ignoring the redhead's squirming and protests, the noblewoman ran out of the room with Sasori in her arms. She may not have been a trained ninja, but the woman had dealt with enough shady dealings to develop a sixth sense about dangerous situations like this.

The first thing Sasori noticed in the hallway was the sick stench of smoke and burning flesh. It appeared that whatever parts of the mansion hadn't been destroyed in Deidara's initial attack had caught fire this time around, and the entire place was threatening to collapse around him. He only had a few moments to take this in, though, before his eyes teared up and he was forced to close them. Darn smoke!

Sasori's attention was diverted from the smoke a minute later when he heard a loud thumping noise come closer and closer to them. At last he forced his eyes to open again, and saw another ragged soldier standing before them. He was covered from head to toe in blood, some caked around a head wound and more spattered all over his clothing. The thing that truly horrified Sasori, though, was that the man's right arm was missing, and he could still see the raw muscle and bone beneath the hastily-made rope tourniquet near the shoulder stump. "M'lady-" Another explosion rocked the building once more, nearly sending both the noblewoman and her employee to the ground.

"What the hell are you people doing?" Akiko shrieked as she regained her footing. "I told you to kill that son of bitch, not stand around while he burned my home to the ground!"

"Forgive me, m'lady…" Suddenly the mercenary swooned and collapsed against the wall. It was painfully apparent that he wasn't long for this world; even Sasori's young eyes could tell that much.

"Useless piece of…" Akiko shook her head and growled something under her breath. "Just hold him off as long as you can, understand?"

"Of course," the soldier responded robotically. He needn't have wasted his breath though; Akiko was already gone.

"That bastard may have burned my mansion to the ground," Akiko hissed to Sasori while dashing down the hallway, flames lapping at them as the walls groaned and began to collapse. "But so help me, I will come out of this ahead and make him suffer!" Sasori couldn't even glare at her. The smoke had infiltrated both his eyes and lungs, and the only relief he received was by burying his face in the woman's kimono and using it to filter out the smoke.

All of a sudden, the air become much cooler and less smoky, and the thudding of Akiko's boots against the wooden floors suddenly become much lighter and more muffled. He peeked out from his hiding place against Akiko's chest and discovered that the woman had escaped outside of the mansion and was now running through the garden. He looked around her to see the entire building had been turned into a raging inferno, looking more like the pits of hell than a noble's mansion.

Akiko suddenly skidded to a halt, gasping for breath and…trembling? "You," she choked out in a horrified whisper. "How did you know-"

"It didn't take a genius to figure out that as soon as things got messy, you'd bolt," Deidara's voice replied.

Sasori's head whipped around to confirm what his ears knew to be true. Yes, there was Deidara! There could be no mistaking the blond he knew so well, standing not more than twenty feet from him. At the same time though, this Deidara was different than the one he was used to seeing. This Deidara was battered, covered in smoke and glaring pure death at Akiko. One hand was hovering slightly over the pouch Sasori knew contained the bomber's trademark explosives, and his eyes dared Akiko to make one move. Gone was Stupid; before them stood a cold-blooded, notorious S-ranked criminal.

"I knew you'd take the easiest way out of the building, un," Deidara went on, his voice cold as ice and sharper than any dagger. "Or did you think that it was a coincidence that this escape route was the only one that hadn't been set ablaze?"

"You shouldn't have been able to do this," Akiko stated in disbelief. "You didn't have the supplies to do this kind of damage, and your clay can't be found around here, I know that!"

"You should've read the bingo book a little better, un. I'm an **explosives** expert. Clay is just my weapon of choice, un."

"You mean you-"

"Scraped together a few explosive tags, un?" Deidara chuckled mirthlessly and shook his head. "Give me a little more credit, un. I had to make homemade napalm and shrapnel bombs to do this kind of damage. Although I will admit, some of your more interesting 'supplies' certainly helped the show, un. My clay…I saved that for you."

Akiko's hand suddenly reached up to squeeze the back of Sasori's neck. "Try anything and I'll break his neck like a twig."

"Put him down, **now**," Deidara commanded in a voice so harsh it made even Sasori jump. "You have two choices right now. Either you drop Sasori and this ends quickly, or you do something stupid and I will drag out your end for days, and you'll cry and scream and beg for mercy until I rip out your tongue and make you eat it, un."

"You wouldn't risk hurting Kyo," Akiko countered, but her voice was much less certain than it had been before.

"Try me." Two words, spoken so coldly that promised so much more. Sasori could feel Akiko slump in defeat. Wait, no, she was actually slumping forward and setting him on the ground!

Immediately the redhead bolted from the defeated noblewoman and ran to Deidara, latching onto the blond's pant leg and squeezing him tightly. "Stupid, you're late," He chastised.

"There, you've got the kid," Akiko snapped. "Now let me go-"

"Not a chance," Deidara interrupted. "Should've been paying attention to your surroundings, un. If you had, you would've noticed my clay scorpions crawling up your legs."

"You bastard!"

"Katsu, bitch."

Sasori screwed his eyes shut as he heard the explosions and Akiko's anguished screams. Slowly, he turned his head to look at the fallen woman, and was horrified to see her chest still rising and falling. "Stupid-"

"I know, un. I'm out of bombs, and she'll be dead soon; there's nothing anyone could do for her now." The bomber gently turned them around and began walking away from the blazing mansion and battered corpse lying nearby. "We need to go now, un."

Sasori, however, was in no hurry to detangle himself from the blond's legs, and clung even tighter to his friend, acting as virtual deadweight. Exhausted and weak as he was, Deidara knew that the pair wouldn't be going anywhere until he could get the child to move. "Sasori, please."

"…Carry me?"

Deidara hesitated for the slightest of moments, and then kneeled down to scoop up Sasori and set the child on his shoulders, before setting off again. Sasori was heavy, but at least this way they'd be moving. "There. That better, un?"

"Thank you," Sasori muttered, gripping the blond's ponytail like a handle. After that there was a long period of silence, the moon illuminating their wayward path as they traveled through the forest as the burning castle grew smaller and dimmer behind them. Neither one could determine how much time passed before Sasori broke the silence and spoke again. "Stupid, can we fly home?"

The request immediately caught Deidara's attention. The redhead had yet to conquer his fear of heights, so why in the world would he willingly ask that they take off on a clay bird to soar hundreds of feet into the air? "No Sasori. I used the last on my clay on Akiko."

"But we'll be even later," Sasori whimpered. "And you'll be in more trouble, because you had to waste time rescuing me."

The world suddenly turned itself upside-down, and in the blink of an eye Sasori went from riding on the blond's shoulders to looking into Deidara's eyes as the blond held him up. "Sasori, saving you was not a waste of time, un. I went into this mission being responsible for you, and I left you behind. If anything bad happens to us, it's my fault, not yours. Besides, I made you a promise, un."

"You're so stupid," Sasori muttered as tears welled up in his eyes.

Well crap. If there was any display of emotion from Sasori that made Deidara uneasy, it was crying. The only emotions he was used to seeing were annoyance and contempt, and even then those were barely flickers that seeped through the cracks of Sasori's emotionless mask. As a child, Sasori was of course somewhat more open with his feelings, and his laughter or angry outbursts more often than not threw the blond through a loop. Come to think of it, Sasori's stoic nature was one of the primary reasons that Deidara had been drawn to the elder man in the first place. Sasori was his polar opposite in nearly every sense, yet at the same time they possessed enough common ground to make cooperation and cohabitation possible. But, he could pine for his danna at a later time and date. There were bigger problems at the moment.

"Sasori, don't cry," Deidara whispered in a soothing tone that surprised even him. "If you really want, I know a way you can help me when we get home, un."

A sniffle, and then a hopeful, "You mean it?"

"Yes, un. Just do exactly as I say."

-mm-

"SHE DID WHAT?"

"She kicked me, a-a-and yelled at m-me, and said Stupid h-hated me!" Sasori sobbed.

It had taken nearly a week by foot, but Sasori and Deidara had finally managed to get back to the base in one piece. Deidara hadn't taken but two steps into the base before Pein and Konan were on top of him, demanding explanations and shouting obscenities, respectively. Deidara had followed the pair into Pein's office to deliver a report with Sasori in tow, and as soon as the door closed the redhead burst into tears and dove for Konan. He gave a heartfelt retelling of their story to the blue-haired woman, who was growing increasingly horrified as she heard the tale of Akiko's sadistic nature.

"Deidara, I swear I'm going to break your legs for this!" Konan snapped at the blond, who was cowering in the corner with Pein. The origami mistress was radiating pure death and malice, and neither male was suicidal enough to get close to that deathly aura that promised all who touched it unending despair.

"B-b-but stupid saved me!" Sasori sniffled. "He came back and killed all the bad men, and then he killed Akiko and carried me home all by himself!"

"Why exactly did you leave Sasori behind, Deidara?" Pein inquired.

Deidara took a deep breath. This explanation was risky, since he hadn't even told Sasori the whole truth before coming into the office. "_Just do what Sasori would do. Be calm, concise, and a little snippiness couldn't hurt_. I've been working with explosives all my life, un. I can recognize the scent of gunpowder and flammable oil better than anyone else in the Akatsuki, un. Akiko tried to cover it with perfumes and incense, but her entire mansion stank like an armory."

"You mean-"

"She was stock-piling explosives, un. Enough for a coup against the local nobles at least, maybe even a higher level than that. I found out for sure when Sasori and I ran the first time, un. I only packed C2 clay bombs, but the kick from my explosions was much too great for it to have been just the bombs without any added firepower. Sasori and I are actually lucky the whole place didn't go off like a Roman candle, un. I knew that if I returned with a few explosive tags and shrapnel bombs, setting them off at the right points would finish off the rest of her stockpiles." At this point, Deidara was unable to keep a sinister smirk from crossing his face. "So tell me, oh wise Sir Leader, why in the mission specs you give me you failed to mention anything about our target being heavily armed and sitting on enough explosives to level a few city blocks, un?"

"Yes Pein, why in Kami's name would you send poor little Sasori and Deidara into that mess?" Konan hissed through clenched teeth.

"Konan! You can't honestly believe I'd send them into a deathtrap like that if I knew!" Pein exclaimed in sheer terror.

"Deidara, take Sasori to your room and get cleaned up. You can file an official report later. Much later." Deidara quickly thanked the woman, grabbed Sasori, and bolted from the room just seconds before the sounds of shouting and thrown furniture filled the air.

Once they were safely out of range of any accidental damage Konan's rage might cause, Sasori tugged on Deidara's sleeve and looked up at the bomber. "Did I do good?"

"You were great, un," Deidara praised. "There's no way you or I will get into trouble now, un. Konan would have Pein's head on a platter."

The words made Sasori grin from ear to ear. "You mean it?"

"Definitely, un. You cried at all the right times for Konan, and Pein has to accept my explanation now that there's nothing but ash left."

By this point, Sasori was beaming and walking with an ever-so-slight bounce to his step. "We make a really good team, don't we stupid?"

The statement caught Deidara off-guard, and for a moment the blond couldn't respond. But when Sasori looked up at him, smile somewhat faded and replaced by concern upon not receiving an immediate answer, Deidara somehow managed to force a smile onto his face and nod. "Yeah. We really do, un."


	9. Chapter 8

Tobi was curled up in bed, peacefully dozing, when suddenly a rustling noise disturbed his slumber. The masked nin burrowed under his comforter, trying to get back to sleep, but the rustling noise persisted. Finally, he was shocked completely into consciousness by an eerie, "Whoooo!"

"W-what's going on?" Tobi whimpered, peeking out from the blankets and looking around in the dark room.

"WhoooOOOooo!"

"Who's there?" Tobi's question was answered by a light at the foot of his bed clicking on, revealing a cloaked figure floating above his bed. "EEK!"

"Tobi," the figure moaned, "I'm the ghost of your great-aunt Lillian!"

"B-but I don't have-"

"Do not speak!" the ghost barked, making Tobi squeak and shut up. "Listen to me, Tobi. You must stop bothering Deidara, or suffer my wrath!" This command was emphasized by the ghost flying wildly around the ceiling, scaring poor Tobi half to death as it finally returned to hovering over the ninja's bed.

"But sempai-"

"Doesn't like you bothering him at all hours," the ghost finished. "Now behave, and be a good boy!"

"Y-yes Aunt L-L-Lillian!"

"Good. And Tobi?"

"Yes?"

"BOOGA BOOGA!"

"AIIIIEEEEEE!"

-several hours later—

Deidara shuffled his way down the hall towards Pein's office, wondering what on Earth the leader could want from him this early in the morning. Pein had been going out of his way to avoid Deidara since the "crying Sasori" incident, and even started sending Konan to Deidara when missions needed to be assigned. However, not even an hour ago Pein had sent a message to the bomber that he was needed in the leader's office, and soon. "What is it this time, un?" the bomber grumbled as he slunk into the chamber, which by this point was coated in a fine layer of misery and failure.

Pein was seated behind his desk, looking grouchy as ever, and Konan stood nearby, looking nervous as ever. No surprise there. However, Sasori was in the office as well, seated on the floor and toying with a large puppet wrapped in a black cloak. Already knowing that this meeting wasn't going to end well, Deidara shut the door behind him and braced himself for the worst. "You wanted to see me, un?"

"Deidara," Pein started, voice deceptively calm, "has Tobi been bothering Sasori lately? Maybe harassing him, going out of his way to get on the kid's last nerve?"

"No more so than usual, un. Why?"

"Because Sasori here took it upon himself to tell Tobi not to bother you two any longer," Pein ground out through clenched teeth.

"Sasori," Deidara asked as a sinking feeling developed in his stomach, "what did you do?"

"I spooked him," the redhead proudly declared.

"He took that puppet, snuck into Tobi's room in the dead of night, made Tobi think he was talking to a ghost, and scarred the poor idiot for life!" Pein screamed.

"You told me you were getting up to get a snack!" Deidara scolded.

"How did you not notice him dragging a puppet out of the bedroom?" Pein demanded.

"Well…it was dark…and I was sleepy-"

"Do you have any idea what Konan and I have spent the last two hours doing?" the leader went on, now in full-blown rant mode.

"…Plotting world domination, un?"

"Chasing Tobi and Hidan around the base! Why Hidan, you ask? Well Tobi thought that the best thing to do about the angry spirit was to try and exorcise it, so he ran straight to Hidan to see if he could help! And Hidan, being an even bigger idiot, decided that if there was one evil spirit flying around, there's sure to be more, so he's been trying to summon hordes of the undead all day, while Tobi's been running around throwing holy water on anything that moves!"

"Where did he-"

"Don't ask, I don't know." Pein sighed, rage spent and subsiding for the time. "We've gotten them to stop their mayhem for the time being, but you need to have a talk with Sasori and explain to him why you can't use dead relatives, imaginary or otherwise, to make others do your bidding."

"But you told Miss Konan that it was a brilliant plan!" Sasori whined.

"I did no such thing!"

"Did too!"

"Did not."

"Did too, times infinity!"

"We're going now," Deidara announced, picking up Sasori and tucking the redhead under his arm like a sack of potatoes. Pein opened his mouth to argue, but was immediately silenced by Konan placing a hand on his shoulder. This was a fight he was not going to win.

Deidara, meanwhile, hauled Sasori out of the room and down the hall, chastising the child all the while. "What the hell were you thinking, making Tobi think this place is haunted? He's already a few sandwiches short of a picnic, and you just inverted the whole picnic basket, un!"

"What does that even mean?" Sasori whined. "And this hurts, stupid!"

"Oh, this hurts? I ought to give you a spanking-GAH!" Deidara's threat was interrupted when he stumbled, nearly sending both him and Sasori to the ground. "And don't use your chakra strings on me, un! You're in enough trouble as it is."

"You're being mean," the Akasuna grumbled as he was carried into the bedroom.

"Sasori, explain," Deidara demanded as he none too gently plunked the Akasuna down on his bed.

"Humph," the redhead indignantly replied, crossing his arms and looking away from the bomber.

Deidara wanted to rip his hair out. Sasori may have been frustrating as an adult, but this child version was giving him a lovely set of ulcers. What kind of twisted logic could have been behind the plot to haunt Tobi? "Sasori, you had no right to go into Tobi's room and scare him, understand? It was unkind, you could have been attacked by Zetsu if he was in there-"

"Why would Zetsu be in there?"

"…I'll tell you when you're older and I'm very drunk." Deidara shook his head, trying to regain his focus. There was still a lot more reprimanding to be given. "Do you know how much trouble this has caused, un? Pein and Konan are upset beyond belief, Hidan's ready to go on a rampage, Tobi's probably crying in a corner by now-"

"If he just left you alone, I wouldn't have spooked him!" Sasori finally shouted, face flushed as tears welled up in his eyes.

Deidara blinked at the child's outburst, not certain that he'd heard right. "What?"

"Whenever he comes around, you get all angry and mopey," Sasori explained, furiously wiping at the few tears that dared leak down his cheeks. "I just wanted him to leave you alone, so you'd be happy."

The bomber was completely taken aback by Sasori's confession; _that_ was what had prompted the child's misbehavior? "Sasori…"

Uncertain as to what would be safe to do, the blond settled one hand on top of the Akasuna's head, rubbing gently in an effort to calm the boy. "Sasori, you don't need to worry about me. I'm a grown-up, un; I can take care of myself. You've never been responsible for me, and never will be." Wow, if only adult Sasori could see Deidara now. Maybe he'd stop thinking the bomber was nothing but a brat.

"But everyone else has someone to look after them!" Sasori protested. "You told me that!"

"Yeah, but I'm tougher than everyone else, un," Deidara explained, a grin creeping onto his face as he spoke to reassure the child, even as a lump formed in his throat. Kids say the damnedest things, and they always cut to the bone.

"But Itachi said he beat you up!"

Ouch. Low blow. "He just caught me off-guard, un," Deidara explained in a dismissive tone. "And anyway, back to the issue of you attacking Tobi."

"I'm sorry," Sasori offered, possibly in the hope of avoiding punishment.

"You're to stay in here while I calm down Tobi," Deidara ordered. "Afterwards, you're going to apologize to him and promise never to do it again. And then you're going to do the same thing for Pein and Konan."

"Do I have to?" the redhead whined.

"Yes you do. Little brat," Deidara quietly added without realizing it. Once the choice of words hit him, however, the blond swore and face-palmed. Dear Kami, he was turning into a grumpy old curmudgeon like his danna. Just perfect.

-mm-

Hours later, the bomber was able to soothe Tobi's jitters long enough for Sasori to come forth and apologize for his actions. The masked ninja was understandably upset, of course, but soon forgave Sasori after giving the child a brief lecture on why he should try harder to be a "good boy." After that, the duo made a brief stop at Pein's office, wherein the redhead gave a repeat performance and received equal parts forgiveness and reprimands. "Why is everyone so upset?" he asked on their way back to the bedroom. "Crazy stuff happens here all the time!"

"Name one instance worse than you faking a haunting," Deidara asked as the pair stepped into the room.

"I can't, but…sometimes, it feels like there's a bunch of fuzzy thoughts in my head, and I can't make them unfuzzy…it just feels like I know that weird stuff happens, but not what."

Uh-oh. The jutsu Pein had used to block Sasori's memories must have begun to wear off. This could be a serious problem; what was the Akatsuki to do if Sasori regained his adult memories before he possessed an adult body? "Hey stupid? How come you look angry again?"

Hm? Crap, the kid had noticed something was wrong. "Nothing much, un. I just need to talk with Pein about a mission later." It wasn't exactly a lie; just not specific to the truth. Pein needed to hurry with the jutsu, and Deidara was determined to do whatever he could to help. But at the same time, Deidara would almost be sad to see chibi Sasori go. The kid was annoying, but at least he gave half a damn about Deidara's well-being. On the other hand, having only one half of the artistic duo functioning was putting a strain on the Akatsuki. The organization only had the exact number of members it would need, no more and no less. Being down a man put everyone at risk, his danna especially.

It was settled, then. Tonight, he would talk to Pein about completing Sasori's metamorphosis back into an adult. Then he could go back to the much easier lifestyle of worrying about whether or not the redhead would actually fulfill his threats to kill the bomber.


	10. Chapter 9

"Sasori, what are you doing, un?"

"Nothin'."

Decidedly unsatisfied with the ginger's answer, the blond got up from his work area and crossed the room to where Sasori was reclining on the ground. The Akasuna was laying on his stomach and propped up by his forearms. He was busily coloring a large sheet of paper, a stack of crayons laying close at hand for him to use. "What are you drawing, un?"

"Pein falling into a pit of snakes," the child answered without pausing his drawing.

Deidara paled as he noticed the stick figure that did bear more than a passing resemblance to their leader dangling over the pile of green squiggly lines, and made a note to hide the picture somewhere safe and sound, lest Sasori find himself in even more trouble should Sir Leader see his artwork. "Sasori, how about we go outside for a bit, un."

"No," the redhead responded in a childish voice, clearly content right where he was.

Deidara sighed, deciding to go about this another way. "Sasori, I didn't want to pull this card, but…"

"But what?"

"I have another mission to do, and I leave for it tomorrow. It's only a scouting assignment, so you'll stay here-"

"Don't go," Sasori pled, at last looking up from his drawing.

"It's only for a day," Deidara attempted to reassure the boy, but to no avail. "That's why I said we should go outside now; you want to play with me before I have to leave, right?"

"Let's go," Sasori demanded, his drawing completely forgotten as he all but dragged the blond out of the room.

On some level, Deidara knew that spending time with Sasori like this was a bad idea. Chibi Sasori might enjoy the affection and care Deidara was willing to offer, but the adult Akasuna would no doubt interpret such kindness as Deidara assuming his partner to be weak, which would no doubt result in Sasori violently "correcting" such an assumption. Thus, Deidara could either be cold and cruel, or warm and likely to end up dead.

Despite these entirely reasonable fears, the pair ended up outside for several hours before eventually returning to the base, once Sasori had been tuckered out and was slightly more willing to let Deidara leave. Heavy emphasis on the slightly. "Sasori, clinging to me is not going to change the fact that I have a mission, un." The redhead reluctantly loosened his hold on the blond's leg, but not before raising his hand ever so slightly- "And no chakra strings either, un!" Deidara snapped as he quickly enclosed his own hands around the tiny fingers of Sasori.

Pouting, Sasori withdrew his hands and crossed them over his chest. "Don't get killed, stupid."

"Your confidence in me is overwhelming." With that, Deidara shouldered his pack and walked to the door. "Oh, and one more thing."

"Yes?"

"Hidan's going to watch you while I'm away."

- the next morning-

"…"

"…"

"…So, what the hell do kids do for fun?" Hidan asked. Currently the masochist and Sasori were seated in the kitchen, staring uncomfortably at one another while trying to decide what should be done in the time Hidan had to watch the redhead.

"What's the sword for?" Sasori asked, pointing to the Jashinist's signature weapon.

"It's not a sword, dumbass, it's a scythe!" Hidan corrected while flourishing the blade in a way that no safety course in weaponry would have deemed acceptable. "And it's for slicing and killing heathens!"

"What's a heathen?"

"A heathen's someone who doesn't follow Jashin-"

"What's a Jashin?"

"He's…screw it, we're going on a field trip."

-some time later-

"Why are we in the woods?" Sasori asked, trailing behind Hidan at a safe distance. The silver-haired man didn't seem terribly stable, and Sasori didn't want to accidentally have his arm sliced off by a reckless psycho.

"We're going to find a heathen for me to sacrifice to Jashin, because it's a hell of a lot easier than trying to explain all that shit with words," Hidan responded, eyes peering left and right for any signs of an unfortunate passerby.

"So where are the heathens?" Sasori asked. "There's no one here."

"Well if you'd shut up, maybe we'd find one," the Jashinist grumbled.

"This is stupid. And I know stupid. I have to live with him every day!"

"There!" Hidan barked, making Sasori jump a good foot straight up. "Right there, on the path up ahead. You see her?"

Sasori peered through the forest to see a young brunette walking down the path, minding her own business and humming a soft tune with a smile on her face. "That's a heathen?"

"Obviously! Look at her, smiling, not setting trees on fire or murdering squirrels…fucking makes me wanna puke."

"So what do we do?" Sasori inquired, more curious than worried at this point.

"Watch and learn, kid. This is how a Jashinist makes an offering," Hidan chuckled, releasing his scythe from its hold and taking the weapon in hand.

Sasori stood back and watched as Hidan leapt out of the bushes in front of the woman, intent of intimidating his target before violently murdering the poor soul. Unfortunately for the Jashinist, he'd managed to land one foot in a puddle that, while appearing shallow, was deceptively deep. The result was a brief landing before his foot sank down by several inches, and his momentum continued to propel him sideways, causing the man to do a sort of cartwheel into a tree as his scythe went flying into the woods.

"_Two points,"_ Sasori thought to himself as the bewildered woman let out a shriek of surprise.

Hidan was not down but not out, and quickly righted himself. "Where the hell did my Jashin-damned scythe go-"

"HISSSSSSS!"

Upon hearing the hiss, Hidan turned towards the source of the noise, which happened to be his victim's handbag, to see what was causing the noise. The man froze as his eyes grew wide, and what little color his cheeks held quickly vanished. A small, fierce looking weasel was glaring him down. "Oh shit."

In the next second, two things happened. One: the weasel let out another hiss and lunged for the Jashinist. Two: the afore-mentioned Jashinist screamed like a little girl and bolted down the road at speeds that would have impressed any Akatsuki member.

While a very confused Sasori watched this happen, the woman finally came to her senses and dashed after the fleeing zealot and weasel. "No Weazy, no! We do **not** attack the mentally ill!"

"This is weird. I'm going home," Sasori decided, turning back towards the base and leaving Hidan to fend for himself.

When the redhead entered the base, he found Kakuzu and Itachi lounging in the living room, both reading in peace. Despite not being partners or having much in common, the two Akatsuki members were kindred spirits when it came to their eternal quest for a peaceful area in which to read, and as a result often read together, so that the threat of their combined wrath would drive off all but the most suicidal of people (read: Hidan), and buy them a few hours of peace. Sasori's entrance caused both men to briefly pause in their studies to see who had entered the base. "Sasori? Why isn't Hidan with you?" Kakuzu inquired.

"He tried to sacrifice a lady, but her weasel attacked him and he ran away," the child explained as he walked into the living room and took a seat on the rug.

Itachi smirked knowingly, whereas Kakuzu sighed in an agitated manner and closed his book. "I'll be back with the idiot by dinner," he muttered, already halfway out the door.

"Hn," Itachi acknowledged, before returning to his book.

"Itachi?" The Uchiha in question lowered his book once more, looking at Sasori to let the redhead know he had his attention. "Can I read in here with you? Konan'll make me play dress-up if I don't."

The weasel nodded, deciding that scoring a few brownie points with chibi Sasori could be beneficial in the long run when the Akasuna was grown again. Grinning, Sasori proceeded to extract a book from his cloak (one of the few child-size outfits of Konan's handiwork that he would willingly wear), and sat down on the rug to quietly read aloud.

The volume of the redhead's voice was so low that Itachi had relatively little trouble going back to his reading, much to the Uchiha's delight. However, his reading was once again disturbed when Sasori began reading a bit louder, and he was about to stop the child when a line in the story caught his attention.

"…I really wish angel would wear his hair down more. It looks so sexy that I just wanna slam him face first into a wall and do things to him that would make his mother's hair turn gray."

"…Sasori, what are you reading?"

"I dunno," the child shrugged. "I found it in Kisame's stuff when he cleaned out your room. Ooh, do you want me to read to you?"

"Certainly," the weasel responded in a somewhat distracted tone.

"Ok!" In an instant Sasori was on the couch, holding the book in his lap. "I don't understand a lot of the stuff he says. Like he'll say, 'it turns me on', but he doesn't say what's getting turned on."

"Just keep reading."

"August 23: Today, angel was sick. He tried to be all tough and stoic, but he looked so cute all bundled up in blankets and made these ado, adora…"

"Adorable."

"Adorable sniffling sounds! I wanted to snuggle him every time he sneezed, but there's no point in both of us being sick."

"Hey guys," Kisame called out, stepping into the room was his trademark sharky grin. "What's up?"

"Sasori was reading," Itachi stated, hand curled so tightly into a fist that his knuckles were completely white. "Why don't you join us?"

"No thanks, I don't really-"

"**I. Insist**." Once the shark was properly frightened/confused and had seated himself in a nearby armchair, Itachi looked back to Sasori. "Please go on."

"August 25: today, I saw this new store in the village selling leather clothes! I saw this one pair of pants that looked like they would fit angel perfectly. They'd be so tight on him, you'd probably have to cut them off. Not that I would mind at all; but how to get them on him?"

"Thank you Sasori," Itachi cut in, snatching the book off the redhead's lap. "But I believe it's time to return your book to its rightful owner. This _is_ yours, isn't it, Kisame?"

Kisame, to his credit, had neither fled nor pissed himself in terror, but was simply rooted to the spot, an 'I'm completely screwed' look on his face. "I'm not gonna get out of this, am I?"

"Hn."

"Look, Itachi-"

"Not another word in front of Sasori," the weasel growled. In an instant he was on his feet and in front of Kisame, who by this point was doing his best to sink into the couch and disappear completely. This plan failed; the next moment found Kisame being hauled out of the living room by his ear, bombarding the weasel with apologies as they vanished from sight.

Bookless and alone, the Akasuna had no choice but to wander off in search of new forms of entertainment.

Pein had had a long, trying day. First Konan had woken with horrible cramps, and he'd had to give her a backrub for a solid hour, feeling bad the whole time because he couldn't do more to soothe his little flower's agony. Next, he'd gotten a report from Kakuzu that Hidan would be ought of commission for at least two weeks due to PTSD, followed by a report from Itachi that, while explaining what had happened, did not explain exactly why the weasel had seen fit to set his room ablaze, nor why Kisame was walking around the base with a dopey grin. Well at long last, he could retire to the sanctity of his office and do filing. Paperwork was nicer than people. Paperwork never demanded a raise. Paperwork never put a hole in drywall or incurred unexpected travel expenses. Paperwork never stacked itself to the ceiling-wait, what?

The leader had stepped into his office only to see that someone had rearranged his carefully constructed stacks of manila folders to reach the ceiling, precariously swaying from left to right. Befuddled, the ginger looked around his office, hoping to find the culprit. Eventually, they came to rest on Sasori, how was busy making a smaller stack. "Sasori, what are you doing?"

"Building a castle," the child answered as he straightened the latest pile.

"With my paperwork?"

"Yup."

"Sasori, I need to work," the leader groaned as he reached for the bottle of Advil he perpetually kept stored in his cloak. "Go play somewhere else."

"Fine," the Akasuna pouted as he moved to disentangle himself from the piles of paperwork. Unfortunately for Pein, this attempt ended catastrophically when a small stack tripped the child, sending him face-first into the highest mound of folders.

What followed was a crash so mighty and thunderous that it shook the base to its very core, accompanied by Sir Leader groaning and sinking to the floor. "Why me?" he asked the heavens. "Why me?"

"Pein, why are you talking to the sky?"

"Because I've lost control of my life. Now be gone."

-the next day-

"Sasori, are you in here, un?" Deidara asked as he entered their shared bedroom.

Sasori was seated on the floor, coloring, and looked up at the blond's question. "Stupid, you're not dead!" he cheered.

"Little brat," Deidara muttered. "Did you have fine while I was gone?"

"Yup. Hidan and I played outside, and I read to Itachi, and Pein did paperwork. You know, regular stuff."

"Glad to hear, un. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to talk to Sir Leader. Normally he gives me a while to write the report, but he said it was urgent…" shrugging off the order as part of leader's eccentric nature, the bomber dropped his things off and left the room, while Sasori stayed behind and innocently continued to color.


	11. Chapter 10

"So that's it, un?" Deidara inquired. The blond was standing in the office of the Akatsuki base, about to set out on his next assignment as he went over the details of his mission.

Pein narrowed his eyes at the question. "Don't make it sound so simple, Deidara. This urn is guarded by a miniature army in one of the most secure and secluded castles in the entire country. Not to mention that if anything happens to the powder in that urn, I doubt we'll be able to complete the procedure."

Deidara wanted to snap at Pein, but thought better of it. Of course he understood this was going to be one of the most difficult missions he'd received in recent times; in fact, the bomber had been sorely tempted to ask why Pein hadn't assigned another member to go with him. Moreover, he knew that the powder in the well-defended urn was the final ingredient that was necessary to be gathered before they could put Sasori back into an adult body. Honestly, Deidara was blond, but he wasn't stupid.

What he'd actually been meaning when he'd voiced his question, was to ask if that was really all that remained for Sasori and his friendship (if a relationship involving a five-year-old abusing and manipulating a grown adult could be called friendship). Once he brought the urn home, the ceremony could begin. Then it would be farewell to bratty but cute chibi Sasori, and hello grouchy, hateful Sasori danna. Oh well; it was nice while it lasted. "When should I leave, un?"

"Tomorrow morning. There will be a group of zealots on the way to the northern mountains for a harvest festival; you should be able to travel in their midst for most of the journey without arousing too much suspicion." Nodding, Deidara rerolled the scroll containing his assignment and left the office.

- days later-

The retrieval mission, thankfully, had gone according to plan so far. Deidara had been able to befriend a few of the travelers thanks to a well-thought out and rehearsed story about his pilgrimage to the north, and was soon welcomed into their midst as a kindred spirit. Once he was only a few days out from his intended destination, he faked an illness brought on by fatigue and persuaded the others to go along without him. Once he was reasonably sure no one that recognized him was within a few days distance, the blond backtracked a few miles and began searching out his target.

Pein hadn't been bluffing when he warned the bomber as to how secure his target would be. The castle was built into the side of a mountain, so the only way to approach was either head on, or flank to the right. While a forward approach is usually the one most quickly dismissed, the castle's right side happened to be juxtaposed to a deceptively deep and swift river, which a normal person would find nearly impossible to cross. Even a ninja as skilled as Deidara would have some level of difficulty sneaking across, as the guards stationed on the wall above the river would surely hear him if he tried to run over the river. And even if he made it over the water, the nearest windows were a good thirty feet up and locked from the insides, making it impossible to break in without shattering the glass and alerting any and all persons within hearing range of his intrusion. "This is going to be fun, un," Deidara grumbled.

Once he'd found a fairly safe hiding place in the woods, Deidara extracted the map provided for the mission by Pein, and began to look over it to see if he could find any flaws in the enemy's defense. Luck was on his side for once; the sewage line for the castle flowed directly into the nearby stream. If he could locate the entrance, he could sneak in through that passage with minimal disturbance.

Deidara made a quick estimate of where he believed the entrance to be, and began walking downriver. After a time, he removed his cloak and shoes, packed them in his bag, and dove under the water to look for the entrance. He only had to swim for a few meters before he came across a large metal grate, which seemed to be blocking the entrance. He resurfaced for a breath of air, dove back under, and used a small amount of explosive clay to remove the obstruction. Another breath of air, another dive, and he was swimming up the passage into the castle.

The journey wasn't long, and for that Deidara was grateful. It only took him a little while before he was able to surface in the main sewer passage, and was fortunate enough to find a stone walkway on the left side. There was a certain risk in climbing out of the water and leave a trail of moisture behind him, but if he stayed in the water much longer, its foul stench would soak into his clothes and the guards would have no trouble finding him by smell alone.

Deidara quickly redressed himself, hoping the cloak would keep most of the stink trapped against him, and checked the map again. The sewer map wasn't too terribly detailed; he'd just have to make a general guess as to the direction of the castle and hope he came across a ladder going up. This proved to be a simple enough task; the sewer was unguarded for the most part, and within half an hour Deidara had made his way from the sewer into the basement.

At this point in time, things seemed to go much easier for the blond. Deidara was able to carefully navigate the hallways, stairs, and rooms of the castle as easily as if he were walking through a park. At last he came to the room where he would find the targeted urn. He glanced around quickly to make sure the coast was clear before ducking inside to locate his target.

On the bright side, it only took him a moment to spot the urn on the other side of the room and retrieve it. On the down side, as soon as he picked it up, the lights flicked on to reveal a dozen men surrounding him, armed to the teeth and looking particularly mean. "Well well," one of them, a brunette male with an eye patch chuckled, "this is a surprise. I was informed that someone might be breaking into my home soon, but I had no idea it would be someone as infamous as an Akatsuki member." Deidara ground his teeth; he knew Pein should have sent him with back-up! "Now be a good sport and put your hands up, before I'm forced to kill you immediately." Deciding to play along with the apparent owner of the castle, Deidara set the urn down and put his arms up in a gesture of surrender. The bomber was briefly aware of movement behind him before something collided with the back of his skull, and the world went black.

-mm-

"You shouldn't have hit him so hard. I believe he's become comatose."

"Forgive me, Lord Iburu. It was my mistake."

Why did that name sound familiar, Deidara wondered. Oh right, that was the name of the man who owned the castle…

Slowly, Deidara opened his eyes and looked up. Something on the back of his neck resisted the movement and cracked; probably dried blood leftover from his earlier bludgeoning. His arms were sore, and he quickly deduced this was caused by them being bound above his head in iron chains. The world gradually came into focus around him, and he noticed three men before him; eye patch guy, and two others dressed in basic ninja attire. The trio quickly took notice of Deidara's regained consciousness, and the one with the patch, whom Deidara presumed to be Iburu, stepped forward and spoke to him. "Good, you're awake. I had a few questions I wanted to ask you."

"What about, un?" Deidara knew that some noble declaration about not giving the enemy any information would be a foolish move. This Iburu guy was proud and haughty, from what he could tell. Those kinds of people were the most likely ones to gloat, and thereby let slip valuable information about things that should really be kept secret.

"About the Akatsuki, what else?" Iburu replied, as though it should have been the most obvious thing in the world. "Why did you come here? Why that urn? I have many other valuables in the castle; what makes that one so special?"

"I don't know," Deidara lied. "I was told to fetch it, so I did, un."

"Somehow I doubt that's all there is to it," Iburu murmured. "In fact, I know otherwise. How exactly do you think the Akatsuki found out I had possession of that item, hm? Here's the answer; I let the secret out myself."

"Why?" Deidara asked before he could stop himself.

"I recently began courting a young noblewoman by the name of Akiko. Perhaps you've heard of her?" Inwardly Deidara felt rising panic, but shook his head with nothing more than an annoyed frown on his face. "Well let me tell you about her. She was the sweetest, smartest, most wonderful woman I'd ever known. She was friendly towards the Akatsuki; that's actually how I was able to form ties to your infamous organization. And then, for no apparent reason, you people burned her estate to the ground and murdered her in cold blood!"

When Deidara didn't respond to this accusation, the nobleman sighed and went on. "I've tried to play nice with you Akatsuki fellows, you know. I turn a blind eye to the crimes you commit in my region. I supply your allies with whatever they need, no matter how outrageous the demand. She did likewise; and this is the thanks we get?"

"You don't play nice with Akatsuki, un; you become our plaything." Deidara's assertion was met by a sharp slap to the face, and a moment later he felt his mouth fill with blood. Rather than be humbled by the action, Deidara spit the blood onto Iburu's shirt and glared defiantly at the man. "You're going to have to do better than that, un."

"Much as I'd like to," the castle lord ground out, "I haven't the time. These two, however, do." Turning to leave, Iburu looked to one of the men. "Squeeze every drop of information out of him you can. I don't care how painful it is." The duo saluted, and he was off.

Deidara was not one to be easily intimidated, and glared down his two captors. Living with Sasori had given him a high tolerance for pain; they wouldn't break him easily.

-three days later-

Deidara sighed in relief as he captors exited the room together. They'd been unable to get even a single word out of him, unless it was an expletive telling them exactly where they could go. They were getting tired of making absolutely no progress, and had taken a break to regroup and formulate a new idea.

Deidara, meanwhile, was trying to focus on anything other than the pain coming from his chest. There were several ribs that he was sure had been bruised, and at least one had to be broken. Still, his legs were relatively intact, and so were his handmouths. Those would be all he needed to make his escape.

Deidara perpetually had clay hidden in the mouths on his palms, half out of habit, half out of desire to always be able to defend himself. Upon being taken captive, he'd had his clay pouch confiscated and hidden Kami knows where, but at the same time had had tiny amounts of clay safely tucked away in the handmouths. Unfortunately, such small lumps wouldn't pack very much of a punch, and thus were almost useless to him. So, Deidara had spent the last few days pumping all his chakra into the remaining clay, little by little, packing it denser and denser until it would be useful. Now, all he had to do was get down from his shackles…

Patiently, the bomber waited for his captors to return. Gradually, one made his way back into the chamber; the other one was nowhere to be seen, possibly on break. He made his way towards a table laden with instruments of torture, and reached for a pair of pliers. "I keep telling you, just talk and this'll all be over," he muttered while approaching the blond.

It should be noted at this point that while Deidara's hands were held in place, his feet were not. This would prove to be a tragic mistake.

Deidara managed to get his toes around the key ring on his captor's belt, and yanked with all his might. The belt loop holding the ring quickly gave out under the exerted force, and a moment later the blond had tossed the key upwards into his mouth. Confused, the man holding him prisoner was unable to regain his senses before the blond had harshly and shamelessly kicked him between the legs. He proceeded to make a small noise of pain and fainted.

Deidara hefted himself up and grabbed onto a higher portion of the chain, maneuvering his mouth to the lock and carefully working the key into place. He nearly dropped it twice, but at last he heard the sweet sound of the lock coming undone, and then his hand was freed. Using his newly liberated limb, the bomber quickly undid the other cuff and dropped down to the floor, rubbing his raw wrists in an effort to restore blood flow.

Deidara quickly hefted his former captor off the ground and locked him in the shackles, before hurrying out of the room to make his escape. A quick look around confirmed his suspicions that his most recent place of residence had been a dungeon; there was nothing but stone walls and iron doors around him as far as the eye could see. Ignoring the pain signals that every part of his body was now sending to his brain, the blond pressed forward and began searching the rooms nearby. It only took him a few minutes to locate his belongings through the window in one of the storage rooms. "Right, here's bomb number one, un," he murmured, pressing a shapeless blob of clay against the lock. Once it was set, he hurried out of the way, made a few quick hand signs, and blew the door clean off its hinges.

"What the hell was that?" the other captor demanded, hurrying towards the source of the explosive noise.

"Katsu!" Deidara exclaimed, throwing the second bomb at the man's head. Needless to say, the threat to Deidara's escape was quickly neutralized.

Deidara hurried into the room and retrieved his cloak and bag, and seconds later began chakra infusing what little of his clay was still moist. "I'm going to get that urn," he decided. "And then I'm going to murder Iburu's face off and burn this place to the ground, un."

-mm-

Unfortunately for the blond, his explosions had not gone unnoticed, despite their taking place in the basement of the castle. Deidara barely had time to make it to the top of the dungeon steps before a horde of guards were assaulting him, death being their intention. But skilled thugs these were not, and Deidara was able to take them down without even using his clay. As he searched the bodies for any usable materials to aide his escape, he came across a dozen explosive tags hidden away in one of his victim's weapons' pouch. They would certainly make his escape more interesting.

At this point, Deidara began an insane/aggressive search of the castle to find the urn and/or Iburu. He began checking rooms one by one, and after clearing the area of any inhabitants, should the rooms be occupied when he came across them, the bomber would rig an explosive tag in the center of the chamber and flee, only for the area to go up in flames moments later. No one would ever accuse Deidara of not being a vengeful creature, that was certain.

Finally, with nearly half the establishment ablaze and the other half about to catch fire from the out of control flames, Deidara came across both his targets in what appeared to be the grand hall of the castle. Iburu was seated on a throne of sorts, the urn resting at his feet. How cliché. "I'm afraid this is as far as you're going to go, Akatsuki thief," he stated with no hint of fear in his voice. "Unless you want me to crush your precious urn," he added, moving his foot to rest on top of the ceramic target.

Deidara's mind quickly tried to process the situation. He was injured from both the torture he'd endured over the past few days, the cuts and bruises he'd received from fighting his way through the castle, and his lungs and eyes stung from the smoke that was encroaching on them faster and faster each minute. His adversary, on the other hand, looked perfectly fine and healthy, was farther out of harm's way than himself, and was in possession of Deidara's target. He could either try to persuade the man to surrender peacefully, or coax Iburu away from the urn long enough to snatch it.

Unfortunately while Deidara had been thinking, Iburu's fingers had curled under the throne's armrest and pushed a hidden button. It was only at the last minute that Deidara realized a very large, very heavy-looking something had swung out of a hidden compartment in the wall and was now heading right towards him. He barely had time to relax his muscles before it collided with his already bruised ribs, sending him flying across the room as stars danced in his field of vision. If he hadn't broken a rib before now, they were definitely cracked after that.

Iburu laughed at the sight of Deidara sprawled on the ground in pain, even daring to rise from his seat and cross the room to stand in front of the fallen ninja. "If I had known it would be this easy to get rid of the Akatsuki, I would've done this years ago."

"Your castle's on fire, your men are dead, and I'm going to break your neck, un," Deidara countered, hoisting himself into a sitting position and reaching down for a knife, only to realize that his pouch of stolen weapons was empty. Shit.

"Castles can be rebuilt, and men will always work for the right price," Iburu countered. "You, however, are never going to leave this castle alive. Let's see, that'll be two Akatsuki members I've taken care of. Who knows? Maybe the hidden villages will give me a nice, juicy contract to finish off the rest of you."

"Two?" Deidara inquired, trying to think of who he could be referring to. Hidan perhaps, but even with his head chopped off the zealot couldn't keep quiet. Orochimaru was still alive, as far as he knew-

"Yes two," Iburu replied, smug in tone and expression. "Do you people really not keep up with each other to know when a member dies? It was some odd months ago; one of my patrols caught a pair of them trying to cross into Fire country…"

The man continued his bragging, but Deidara had stopped listening. Fire country…the ambush…it was him. Iburu's men had been the ones to assault Sasori and himself. He was the one who had placed dangerous ninjas with explosives in their path. He was the one who'd caused Sasori to be blown up and shoved into a child's body. He was the one who made Deidara confront his feelings for Sasori and tear himself to pieces over the emotional agony of it all. All these thoughts and more began whirling in the blond's head as a burning anger began to grow in his heart, finally culminating in an outburst of, "You're the reason I've been making crustless PB&J sandwiches, un?"

"What?" But Iburu would never get an explanation for the outcry. Deidara had lunged for his throat and wrestled the man to the ground. The blond was younger and more agile, to be sure, but Iburu was uninjured and larger. The doors to the chamber soon caught fire from the flames in the hall, and the roof caught next as the duo tussled on the ground. At last Deidara had beaten the noble into submission, snapping his knees to make sure he couldn't flee anywhere. "I'll be taking this, un," he stated as he walked to the throne and scooped up the urn.

"Bastard," Iburu groaned from the floor.

Deidara's response was to take a small bit of his remaining clay and form a spider, which he sent to creep across the floor towards Iburu. The man's eyes widened at the sight, and he tried to scramble backwards, but with two broken legs it proved to be a futile effort. "By the way, when you get to hell, say hi to Akiko for me, un. I'd love to see her face when she hears I got both of you, un." Deidara would be a liar if he said he didn't enjoy the look of shock and horror on Iburu's face just before he was blown to smithereens.

At this point, the rafters began to groan, alerting the blond that this building was not going to be standing for much longer. Mustering the last of his strength, Deidara formed a small clay owl and leapt out one of the windows that had already shattered from the fire's heat. In seconds he was flying through cool, fresh air as the castle disintegrated behind him. Mission accomplished.

-mm-

Deidara was aware that he probably didn't look too terribly good after this assignment. Still, walking in to Pein's office only for the leader to spring out of his chair yelling, "What the unholy hell," was probably a bit unnecessary. "Here's your urn, un," he stated, shoving the item into Pein's hands. "I'm going to take a shower and some pain pills now, un. Maybe pass out for a few days after that, un."

"Right. Wait, before that-"

"Pein, I swear to all your and Hidan's gods, if you give me another assignment-"

"You need to tell Sasori to come to my office," the leader interjected. 'He'll be suspicious if Konan and I just retrieve him immediately after your return."

"You're doing the procedure tonight?" Deidara inquired, fairly shocked.

"Well yes. There's no point in putting it off, since we have all the necessary components. Why?"

"I was kinda hoping you could let me rest up for a few days so I could at least put up a decent fight when Sasori gets his memories back and tries to kill me, un."

"That won't be a problem," Pein assured him. "I'll simply suppress the memories of Sasori's days as a child here; as long as you don't bring them up, it will be as if this episode never happened. He will of course have the choice to keep those memories, but I highly doubt his pride would allow for such a thing."

"The others-"

"Have already had their memories modified, with the exception of Itachi." Pein didn't need to explain the Uchiha's omission; no one was foolhardy enough to go poking around in Itachi's mind. "Konan and I will remain unaltered, in case this procedure should ever need to be done again. And I feel that it would be best to leave your memories intact as well; otherwise it would be rather difficult to explain why you've suddenly gained an aversion to crusts on your sandwiches or are so much better at avoiding chakra strings than you used to be."

"Oh."

"Glad you understand. Please send Sasori here immediately." Nodding, Deidara exited the office and slowly began the trek towards his room, sluggish speed not entirely caused by physical pain.

Actually, the physical portion of it probably played a bigger role than Deidara initially wanted to credit; as soon as he stepped inside his room, his legs gave out from under him, and he was barely able to make it out of the doorway and shut the door. "Holy crap!"

Deidara's field of vision was suddenly full of red as small, familiar arms wrapped themselves around his neck. Come on, he didn't look that bad, did he? "Stupid, you're all bloody and bruised," Sasori whimpered, squeezing the blond tightly.

Deidara slung one arm around the boy's shoulder in a weak hug, putting far too much of his weight on Sasori. Hey, the Akasuna was going to forget all this in a few minutes, so why worry about it now? "Sasori, I was on a mission, un. Injuries are a common side effect of that."

"Didn't someone go with you?" Sasori demanded, tiny body trying to stay upright under Deidara's weight.

"No, I was alone. Sasori, Pein needs-"

"Why? Why did you go alone? How could you be so stupid, stupid!"

"Because that was the assignment Pein gave, now listen, you really need to go-"

"I'll beat him up!" Sasori screamed, crying against Deidara now. "You're all hurt, and you could've died, and he was stupid for not sending you with someone!"

"I promise, that's not going to be an issue very soon, un," Deidara attempted to reassure. "You see, my special someone is going to be coming back within a couple of days, and after that we'll work together, un."

"I'll beat them up too!" Sasori declared. "You're injured because they left, aren't you?"

"You're too weak to beat them up," Deidara laughed. Dear Kami, what was wrong with him? Probably the blood loss or smoke inhalation.

"Then I'll get stronger!" Sasori shot back, fire in his eyes. "I'll get so strong that no one can hurt me, and then I'll hurt Pein and that jerk for letting this happen to you, and then I'll protect you forever!"

"…Do you really mean that, Sasori?"

"Uh-huh," the redhead promised, hugging the blond again. "I won't let anyone hurt you, Deidara."

Deidara embraced Sasori tightly and let out a content sigh, a smile on his face for the first time in days. Even if the redhead didn't know entirely what he was saying, to hear such a kind, honest answer from Sasori was enough. "Sasori?"

"Yeah?"

"Pein needs you to go to his office. But there's something I need to tell you before you go, un."

"What is it?"

"Pein's going to perform a ritual that'll turn you into one of the strongest, smartest people here, un," Deidara explained, watching passively as Sasori's eyes lit up in amazement. "But there's one thing you need to do at the end, ok?"

"What is it?"

"Pein is going to ask you a question: remember, or forget. I need you to tell him forget, un."

"Why?" Sasori inquired. As far as he knew, forgetting things was both dangerous and annoying, so why would 'forget' ever be the right answer to anything?

"You see how badly I'm hurt, un?" Sasori nodded at this. "Well if you don't pick forget, I'm going to be hurt ten times worse than this, un." The Akasuna's eyes widened to the size of saucers, horrified at the thought of Deidara being injured any further. He quickly agreed to the promise, gave Deidara a hug goodbye, and walked out of the room, completely oblivious to the fate that was about to befall him.

Deidara remained on the floor for a long time, staring at the carpet with unseeing eyes and a blank expression on his face. That was it then. Chibi Sasori was gone, and within the next day, Sasori danna would be back in their room. He wouldn't remember the sandwiches Deidara had made him, the missions they'd done together, or the promise borne out of innocent, childish love that he'd just made to Deidara. Asking Sasori to forget had been selfish on Deidara's part; a portion of his mind and heart reasoned that Sasori being cruel when he couldn't remember his earlier kindness was far better than Sasori remembering and still treating the blond with disdain. At least now Deidara could cling to the false hope that there was a small part of Sasori that cared for the bomber.

It was with great effort that Deidara finally rose from his seat and made his way into the bathroom to scrub the soot and grime from his body. And as the blond turned on the shower and waited for the water to heat, he looked in the bathroom mirror and realized that he really did look that bad. At least, the part of his reflection he could see through his tears.


	12. Epilogue

The next week went by rather peacefully for Deidara. The morning after his return, he dragged himself to the local medical ninja to see what could be done about his injuries. Now the doctor knew better than to ask an Akatsuki member how or why he'd gotten his wounds, but still gave Deidara a thorough chewing out for waiting so long to have his broken ribs attended to. They'd already begun to mend, and there were two that he had to break again before he could try to set them and repair the damage. It took half a day, and by the end of it Deidara was still very bruised, but at least everything was back in one piece.

When he returned to the base, Konan was waiting for him at the entrance, and seemed relieved that the bomber's injuries had been attended to. "Hey Konan, un."

"Hey Deidara. Pein just wanted me to let you know the procedure was a success. Sasori's back in his adult body, complete with all his old memories."

"That's good, un," Deidara replied, and he really did mean it. There had been a small part of the blond that had spent all day worrying that something would go wrong with the ritual, and he'd have an even bigger problem to face than chibi Sasori. "Did he…?"

"He chose to forget," Konan answered, voice trying to deliver the message as gently as possible. "Pein told him that there was an accident, he ended up as a regular human as a result, and spent the past several months in a coma. He's in one of the labs in the basement, trying to put his heart into a puppet body. He warned it could take a few days."

"I wasn't planning on interrupting him, un," Deidara assured her. In fact, the blond didn't plan on doing much of anything in the near future. There was too much going on in his mind.

The next few days were quiet and uneventful. None of the other members bothered him, and Pein never sent for him to go on a mission. Deidara had a nagging suspicion that Konan was at least partially responsible for that, but never approached the woman to confirm his theory. Instead, he spent his time doing light training in the nearby forest, more to check his body for any unhealed wounds than anything else. It was rare, but occasionally the local medics would miss a hairline fracture or torn muscle, which could be disastrous if not discovered before a mission.

It was during a break in one of these training sessions that Deidara finally saw Sasori. He'd been resting on a fallen tree when he sensed the elder's chakra signature approaching. He chose not to respond just yet, and instead took a long drink from his canteen. If Sasori had anything to say to him, it would be out soon enough.

The redhead eventually came into sight, approaching the bomber with calm, even steps. Even from a distance Deidara could make out the faint lines on Sasori's body where the joints were, and could see the bulge in his cloak that indicated his razor sharp wings were once again attached to his back. It looked like Sasori was back to normal.

Sasori continued walking until he was barely a yard from the bomber, finally stopping in front of Deidara to stare down at the younger man with the same uninterested look he gave to everyone. "You're injured." A statement, nothing more or less.

Deidara nodded, knowing the bruises on his body would still be visible now. Cuts and bruises were rarely more than superficial wounds, and as the local medics charged extra for their healing, most Akatsuki members allowed nature to take its course in healing those injuries.

"From a solo mission?" Another nod. "Of course. Pein should know by now that sending you alone into the field is a terrible-"

"If you're going to berate me, just stop," Deidara snapped, directing his glare towards the ground instead of its intended target, Sasori. "The mission was to get a powder to get you back on your feet, un. Show a little gratitude." The bomber had no idea where this anger was coming from; probably a combination of physical and emotional exhaustion, coupled with years of built up irritation at Sasori's hateful attitude towards him.

Sasori showed no emotion at the blond's outburst, but stopped his scolding. For a time, there was an uncomfortable silence between the two. And then: "Would you have been injured if I were present?"

Deidara shook his head. Of course not. Sasori was a specialist of short-range combat; the men who surrounded Deidara that night would never have stood a chance before the Akasuna's might. It didn't make Deidara feel any better about admitting such a thing, though. He hated being seen as weak, especially by Sasori.

Sasori took a minute to process this bit of information before going on. "Pein tells me that after our last assignment, I was gravely wounded," the puppet master continued. "What happened?"

"You set off an explosive tag on one of the bodies, un," Deidara explained, unable to suppress a bit of smug satisfaction at telling this. For once Deidara had been in the right, and Sasori had played the fool.

"This injury was bad enough that I had to be transferred back into a human body, correct?" A nod; Deidara really needed to start speaking more. "And at this point, I was put into a coma for the next two months, until my body was strong enough to support me again." Sasori shifted his weight, eyes narrowing a bit. "There's a slight problem with that account, however. It was told to me by Pein and Konan, who are both terrible liars."

Faster than he could blink, Sasori's stomach cable had shot out and wrapped itself around Deidara's torso, squeezing just tight enough to keep the blond trapped as the flat of its blade rested against Deidara's neck. "You, unlike them, know better than to try lying to me and expecting to get away with it. So, you have two options. Tell me the truth, or you're going to get cut and injected with a truth serum that will make you explain to me what really happened."

Deidara sighed; there was no room for argument here. He mentally cursed both Pein and Konan for thinking they could deceive the Akasuna, thereby leaving him in this predicament. "Fine, un."

"What really happened to me, and why can't I remember?"

"After you were put in a human body, you weren't yourself, un," Deidara answered, trying to be as vague as possible. He didn't want to let out too many details; it would just make Sasori's inevitable rejection more painful. "And I don't know why you chose to forget, un. You had the option to remember, you know. You just picked not to, un."

Sasori narrowed his eyes at his partner; the bomber was being deliberately evasive, and they both knew it. "Well then, why do you think I forgot?" he demanded, turning the cable ever so slightly to lightly press the blade against Deidara's neck.

"Because I asked you to, un," Deidara snapped, hoping to catch the redhead off guard and make a hasty escape.

Sasori was unable to conceal his surprise quickly enough for it to go unnoticed by Deidara, nor did he prevent an involuntary tightening of the cable around his partner. "And why would you ask that?"

"I told you, you weren't yourself after the procedure," Deidara hurriedly replied, wincing as the cable pressed against his still sore ribs. "You said and did some things you normally wouldn't, and it would've made things awkward for us if you remembered-ACK!"

The blade had nicked his skin; apparently Sasori had grown tired of answers that didn't really answer anything. "Deidara, tell me **exactly** what I did," the puppeteer ground out.

The blond couldn't lie now, but that didn't mean he was compliant in his position. He stared directly into Sasori's eyes, and in a quiet, even voice, answered, "You held me and promised to protect me." At least that would get a reaction.

It was as if the words had physically struck Sasori. The cable unwound itself from Deidara so quickly it nearly scraped off the top layer of his skin, but the Akasuna seemed not to notice. His eyes, normally so devoid of any sort of expression, were now wide and staring dead ahead at absolutely nothing, while a hand was clasped over his mouth, as though he was about to vomit. "Shit," he whispered, feet rooted to the spot.

"I was bloody and couldn't stand upright, un," Deidara went on, hoping to catch the Akasuna's attention, even if it meant refocusing on the blond's wounds once more. Seeing Sasori so visibly shaken was unsettling, to say the least.

The Akasuna groaned, moving his hand from his mouth to cover his eyes. "That would do it," he stated, as though that would explain everything.

Unfortunately for Sasori, it did not. "What's that supposed to mean, un?"

Slowly, the Akasuna removed his hand from his eyes, passive and emotionless mask back on his face, but just barely so. "Do you have any idea how terrible you were at hand to hand combat when we first became partners?"

"I was not terrible, un!" Deidara snapped, temporarily distracted from their discussion by the insult. His pride was on the line, and he had to defend himself.

"Yes, you were," Sasori countered with forced patience in his tone. "I've spent the entirety of our partnership going out of my way to spar with or assault you in the hopes that you'd develop into a decent close-range combatant."

"Tch, did Pein order you to do that, un?"

"No. The fighting was for entirely selfish reasons."

"What are you talking about, un?" Deidara inquired, back in the realm of the extremely confused now.

Sasori took a deep breath, finally looking at his partner again. "It took me years to perfect this puppet body of mine. To completely disconnect myself from human wants and emotions, and to make myself into an artistic masterpiece. Becoming an infamous criminal was an added perk, to be sure, but the real victory was transforming myself from a weak human into an all-powerful puppet." Here his eyes narrowed at the blond. "And then, you showed up."

"Well excuse me for getting kidnapped and being forced to be your partner, un!"

"I was finally alone," Sasori went on, oblivious to the blond's remark, "And Pein saw fit to partner me with a loud, obnoxious, uncoordinated, incapable brat with an ego so big it couldn't fit through the door. It annoyed me. It angered me. And worst of all, I couldn't get these emotions to go away." Here the Akasuna sighed and shook his head. "My life was easier before your arrival, Deidara."

"Gee, thanks."

"There was nothing I could do about the arrangement, so I had to make do. I argued with you, I fought, I attempted to correct your perverse opinion on art whenever possible. And eventually, you changed. You became stronger, faster, more capable on the battlefield, and your skills were nearly up to par with your ego. Granted, you still have that ridiculous notion of art in that blond head of yours, but one can only ask for so much. It was a…pleasant change." Deidara, who had been seething until now, was surprised. His danna really thought that of him?

"Of course, there was still the issue that your presence was causing me to feel things," Sasori went on, frowning. "That was a problem. A problem I could have handled better."

"You mean something other than years of attacking and berating me, un?" Deidara snapped.

Sasori narrowed his eyes at the accusation. "Well obviously I didn't damage you too badly, if your reactions to me are anything to go by."

"What do you-"

"You, brat, are head over heels in love with me. And don't try to deny it; I've known since you were 14."

Deidara's entire world stopped in that instant. That couldn't be right. What he just heard couldn't have possibly been spoken by the puppet master. There was no way Sasori could have known…but nothing about the Akasuna's demeanor suggested his accusation was a bluff. "You…knew?" he choked out, legs giving out at last.

Sasori's stomach cable caught the blond on the way down, setting Deidara down gently and remaining loosely curled around him. "The sighing and moping of our early years together told me you had someone in mind, but I wasn't sure until the dozen or so separate occasions I walked into our room and found you with your hands down your pants screaming my name."

Deidara let out a sound like a wounded animal and curled in on himself, embarrassed beyond all reasonable belief. Sasori's unusually good stealth capabilities had often led him to suggest the Akasuna wear a bell, or at least knock before entering their room. Sasori had finally started doing the latter, but Deidara had no idea this was done because the Akasuna had learned of his little sessions in his fantasy world.

Wait a minute. Sasori had known about the bomber's feelings. He'd known all this time, and still treated his partner with such scorn and abuse? Deidara didn't know whether to run, cry, or throw up. "Bastard," he finally got out, the single word not nearly enough to sum up his inner turmoil. "Is that why you treated me like dirt, un?"

"No," Sasori quickly responded, eyes once again looking anywhere but at Deidara. "I did that so your affections would disappear, or at least redirect themselves towards another person. Knowing you felt that way about me made things far more difficult than they had to be."

"I didn't ask to feel this way," Deidara hissed. "If I could, I'd go after anyone but you, un. But even after everything you've said and done to me, I still love you, Sasori danna."

"I hate you," Sasori spat out. "You're the reason I feel things, you're always getting injured on our missions, you won't shut up about your artistic nonsense, and no matter how hard I shove, you won't take a hint and stop caring about me! Some days, I really wish I had just slit your throat the minute I saw you." Retracting his cable once again, Sasori turned his back on the bomber and took a few paces away, positively shaking with anger.

Deidara didn't allow the words to get to him; he'd heard far worse from the redhead before, and this was unlikely to be the last time he'd endure such a slew of verbal abuse. What _was_ new to him was the raw emotions he was seeing in Sasori. Never had the redhead shown such a high amount of passion for anything, even his art. Deidara had shaken the elder man right to the core. Cautiously, the bomber rose and stepped towards Sasori. "Danna, why does it bother you to see me hurt?"

"Because you being hurt hinders our progress," Sasori snapped, still facing away from the blond.

"No," Deidara replied, voice calm as a sudden revelation swept over him. "When you and I train at the base, your immediate reaction to me being hurt is to tell me to fix it or seek a medical ninja, un. And you do that for any cut or bruise…"

"Because otherwise you'll slow me down!"

"I've never failed a solo mission, un. Why do you get upset when Pein assigns me one?"

"It could be done much faster with both of us, or just me."

"Do you really hate to feel emotions, danna? Or just the fact that _I'm_ the one making you feel things, un?"

"Brat," Sasori growled in warning.

"You love me, don't you?" Deidara inquired softly as the final piece fell into place in his mind.

Sasori spun around to strike Deidara at the accusation, but the bomber was ready for it. Sasori's hands were caught, and his fingers captured so as not to be in a position to use chakra strings. Deidara threw his weight against the redhead to send him toppling to the ground, and a knee well placed in the center of the Akasuna's chest prevented to stomach cable from coming into play. With his wings and scrolls now pinned under him as well, the puppet master was completely at his partner's mercy. "Get off me, brat," he ordered.

"You're an idiot, un," Deidara accused. "You could have made things easier for both of us by admitting you liked me, but no, you had to try and beat my love out of me while denying yours, un. Well guess what Sasori danna? I love you, you love me, and even if you kill me right now, you'd just spend the rest of your life being depressed about it, un." Sasori bucked at this declaration and managed to knock Deidara off of him. In seconds the blond found himself pinned under the redhead.

Deidara watched with baited breath as the Akasuna stared down at him, the stomach cable twitching every now and again as Sasori waged in inner battle with himself, probably over whether or not he was finally going to fulfill all those threats and murder Deidara in cold blood. Finally he sighed and slumped forward, stomach cable wrapping itself around the bomber's waist in a way that was quickly becoming familiar to Deidara. "Why you?" he murmured, looking down at Deidara with an unreadable expression. "Why me, for that matter? This is absolutely insane."

"I don't know," Deidara admitted. "But I think it's because you're my opposite, un. You're quiet, calculating, more mature than me, things like that, un. You pick up my slack, and I pick up yours, un. We're two halves of the same whole."

"I don't keep track of dates or anniversaries," Sasori continued. "I won't give gifts or anything traditional like that."

"We're not exactly traditional, un," Deidara reminded him.

"I'm old enough to be your father. I don't even have a human body."

"I've got four mouths and a speech impediment, un." Sasori appeared to be caving now, so Deidara decided to push a little harder. "Besides, do you really think you could handle me being with someone else like that, un?"

The cable tightened around him as Sasori's hand balled into a fist. "No. It would be better for both you and myself, but no. I'd probably kill the poor bastard for looking at you."

"Then stop fighting it," Deidara begged. This was it; he could see the Akasuna's resolve wavering. It would just need a little nudge in the right direction, and this would be over. Slowly, Deidara slid his hand up Sasori's chest to wrap around his neck, fingers rubbing soft circles in the artificial flesh there. Sasori had watched the entire process in silence, and now chanced another glance at Deidara's face. "Please Sasori danna?" Never in his life had Deidara begged anything of his danna. His pride wouldn't allow for it, but at the moment it could go to hell.

There was a sigh as chocolate brown eyes closed, and then Sasori was leaning forward and pressing his lips against Deidara's. Deidara, for his part, was so shocked he couldn't move. This was it; Sasori was finally his! Almost too late did he notice the Akasuna was pulling away, probably upset at the bomber's lack of a response. Deidara was having none of that and wrapped his arms around Sasori's neck, pulling him back down for a much longer, much more passionate kiss. The puppet master would be let up when Deidara was good and ready to let him go, and not a moment before.

Eventually Sasori's inhuman strength won out over Deidara's desire to keep them permanently fused at the lips and he sat up, albeit bringing Deidara with him and holding the blond in his arms. "I'm very possessive," he warned in a final move to drive Deidara away. "If you attempted a break-up in the future, it would be messy. Possibly deadly."

Finally having had enough, Deidara smacked the back of Sasori's head. "I told you," he groaned, settling in to the Akasuna's shoulder, "I love you, so stop acting like I'm going to hate you one day, un. And before you can suggest it, no, I don't care if you don't have your 'equipment' down there anymore, un. There's ways around that."

"My 'equipment' is still intact," Sasori dryly remarked. "Konan caught me in the middle of transforming my body back to a puppet and gave me a few guidelines for the procedure, in case I'm badly damaged again. One was to preserve most of my nerve endings, another to keep my body mostly anatomically correct. Although I'm beginning to think she had ulterior motives for telling me that…"

Deidara made a mental note to thank Konan and squeezed Sasori. "In that case, there's no more problems you can bring up, un."

"Fine," Sasori conceded. "We'll try it. On one condition."

"What, un?"

"You have to tell me what really happened during that period of time which I can't remember."

Deidara paled at the ultimatum but agreed to it. After all, most of the other members didn't remember what had happened, and the ones that did wouldn't bring it up. And surely Sasori wouldn't kill his new boyfriend so soon after they became a couple, right?

"Brat, you look like you're going to throw up."

Deidara sincerely hoped so.

- Later that evening-

"GAAAAH!"

"Hold still brat!"

CRASH

Itachi, Konan, and Pein looked at each other in mild confusion, wondering what was going on. Their answer came a few moments later when Deidara raced into the kitchen at full speed with Sasori fast in his heels. Deidara dove behind the counter to avoid Sasori's chakra strings, but nearly had a few blond locks sheared off by a flying knife. "Deidara, come out from there," Sasori growled.

"You asked what happened and I told you, un!" Deidara whined.

"Deidara-"

The bomber reappeared then, but not before snatching Pein's sandwich off his plate and hurling it at the Akasuna's face, temporarily blinding the redhead and allowing him to make a break for the living room. Sasori wasn't one to be slowed down for long, however; a few seconds later he was back on the blond's heels. There were several more crashes, a squeal, a thump, and then Sasori walked back into the kitchen, carrying Deidara over his shoulders. "Sasori danna, you really don't want to kill me, un," Deidara reasoned nervously. "You love me, remember?"

"I'll make sure to engrave that on your headstone," Sasori flatly replied as he hauled the bomber down the hallway towards their room.

"Konan, help!" the bomber begged before he disappeared completely from sight.

"Sasori, don't kill him," Pein called out as he made a new sandwich to replace the one that had been turned into a projectile.

"Wait a minute," Konan began, "did Deidara just say what I think he said?"

"Pay up," Itachi demanded, holding out his hands towards Pein.

Grumbling, the leader fished several twenties out of his pocket and handed them over to the all too smug Uchiha. "I hope you choke on it."

"Hn," Itachi replied, pocketing the money.

"You people should be ashamed for betting on their love life," Konan huffed at the boys.

"The payout's doubled for how long it takes them to have sex," Pein replied. "You want in?"

"…Twenty bucks on two weeks." A loud explosion went off somewhere down the hall, followed by sounds of Sasori swearing loudly. "On second thought, make it a month."


End file.
